Take up smoking, get me a pint of Absinthe – it’s the bleedin’ exams.

This time of year I am tempted to start smoking again – heavily. Up the drinking to make Oliver Reed look like King of The Temperance Society and empty the bucket that farmers put aside for pigs full of out of date chocolate eclairs into my open gob. To hell with it.

The reason?  The dreaded exams.  Once again it is  Clash of The Titans. Parents V Teenwolf. Parents V Turning Into their own parents and going on and on and on and on about working for exams. The strained atmosphere in our house is like a guitar string tightened to breaking point. Twang!

The theory on the run up to it.

Teenwolf: Yeh I will work for a few hours a night.

The practice

Back from school, slumping around, downloading music, playing the guitar,running about outside with a ball round or oval, intermittent face stuffing and then back in for a look at the telly.

With everything clenched, including my hair, I wait, I bide my time and then I have to ask

‘You doing any work tonight?’

I plug my ears  as the expected reaction ensures




Huffing, puffing, exhaling, stomping, eye rolling, grunting, screeching, door slamming,  undulating hormones but enough about me. Teenwolf is calm. He is under control. He knows how to wind me up. My achilles heel. My bete noire – whatever that means.

And it is this.

‘So how did you get on at school Mum?’

‘Oooh look what the hell is that?’ I squawk

He saw it too! The thing! He did!

He gives me the look.

‘I’m serious. Look! That thing out there. Out the window that big blue thing I just saw flying up there look. Wow’



‘I know what you are doing. How did you get on at school mum?’

Cough cough splutter splutter collapse onto the floor. Weak breathless voice ‘ Help help I am choking. Help!’

‘For Gods sake Mum.Get up.  I know you are just doing that’

Cough cough splutter, less movement now, lying face down on the kitchen floor ignoring the half wit labrador now licking my ear.  ‘Water’ I drag out in a deathly whisper ‘Water’.

He steps over me and leaves the room.

‘Yeh I thought so’ he states calmly.

I am up on my feet in a second.

‘What do you mean?   You thought what?’ I do disappoint myself sometimes.

‘You were useless.’

Fake faint.  Bollocks. I’m staying here til it’s all over. it seems I still am.


Writer & broadcaster.

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