Train to London ? Walk back.

I am on a bloody train from Edinburgh to London and we have been diverted – joy of joys – to collect a load of passengers whose train broke down. We collected them at Allanton – no I don’t know where that is other than near the border – and they are all seething. It seems their train was stopped due to a signal failure, they were all asked to get off and then they announced the train they had just got off was going back to Edinburgh! So now that full train load of passengers has jouned this one also packed with people which has resulted in this journey rapidly deteriorating into ye old train journey home.  We used to squash onto endless trains between Scotland and London to get home; sitting on floors, bags, scooping lager, playing cards and smoking – minus the smoking now of course. The thought of sitting in a packed train with lots of people fagging is enough to make me boak these days. How did we ever smoke? Plucking long white sticks out of packets, setting fire to them, inhaling them to our boots and blowing the smoke out over everyone in the vicinity including kids and old folks. Actually when I think about it most of them were smoking then too.

So now we are hurtling on a packed train. An hour late, with several strange bum cleavages pushing past and into our faces as everyone crams for space. The guy opposite just shouted ‘what about health & bloody safety?’ which hasn’t helped. I gave him the evil eye for that but he is too panic stricken to notice. So this is the relaxing journey we see portrayed on telly is it? Em no.

Still the guard is a star. He has faced all adversity on this trip with a smile. He has coped admirably and announced that all seats are de-classified grab anyone you can. What he didn’t specify to the all in wrestler on my lapp is that if someones already in it – leave it alone.

Someone get me a cigarette!


Writer & broadcaster.

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