Shock Horror Probe Sober New Year Alert!


Hogmanay! Memories of standing on roofs in Princes Street as the celebrations blow away around us.It’s great to watch someone else from the warmth of a couch I can tell you. For the first time since I was about 5 this year we have a quiet one – no really! We have to go to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary to pick someone up at 9pm and so not a drop touches my lips – having spent so many Hogmanays in full party mode it is amazing to see business as usual at the hospital 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and the ERI nursing staff were just a collective ray of sunshine – so I toast them and wish them and you a Happy New Year! Watched the fireworks from the window of the flat and then fell into an exhausted slumber. 2008 – is going to be great.


1st January traditionally the day for low lights, whispering and regret of bad behaviour. I of course am fresh, cleansed and completely unhungover – whoopee! Desperae to hear how everyone else got on last night so leave it til 1pm and decide to phone Dyanmite – which was a bad idea – she was still in bed having just got into it at 7am. She also sounded like a man so I said I would call back in a few days once she was awake and upright.


I have voiced a new 13 part series for STV on Thursday nights at 7.30pm called Conquer The Castle and it is a hoot. It’s about 6 urban dwellers (1 Scotsman) who are thrown in to the wilds of Perthsire and set a series of challenges there really are some classic moments – check it out! We had a hoot doing the voice over – keep your eyes peeled for Kimbereley – that’s all I’m saying.


First thing this morning as I lay in state I noticed Dave next to me begining to stir. As his eyes opened he turned towards me and mumbled ‘ I have just been attacked by a platypus – God it was sore’ Naturally I burst out laughing as he went into full horrific detail of his nightmare.

I think the rich food and gargling with booze is begining to show, last night Mum dreamt she was being attacked by giant mosiquitos. When she awoke she was scratching like a mad thing and was still not convinced they weren’t in her bed! And the third strange incident in the night was waking about 3am to find Louis standing at the bottom of our bed saying quite calmly in a very serious voice ‘ you know what you must do’ my first reaction was to rub my eyes to see if  I was dreaming but by now Dave, who had yet to be eaten by the platypus ,was also awake as Louis repeated ‘ you know what you must do ‘ before turning in a robotic fashion and walking back to his bed. Bemused I got up to find he had gone straight back to bed to sleep – too much Dr. Who and cheese if you ask me.


Dyanmite emerged from her bed. It seems she had a major pub crwal on Hogmanay, 3 parties, The Baillie, The Basement, The Ping On she was keeping the purveyors of beers and spirits busy. Her resolution is to quit the evil weed so if you see her lurking outside with a fag this is your direct permission to wheech it from her and stamp it to the ground. Her man Dave has also joined the pledge for the fags and he will do as he is told this week. After last weeks debacle with washing powder in the dishwasher this week he was caught washing the kitchen floor with fairy liquid which had streaked and bubbled everywhere . By means of compensation he offered to go out and buy some Yorkshire puds to go with the bit of meat Dyanmite was burning. Off he went as Dynamite felt the forgiveness in her heart. 2 and half hoursa lter he had not returned having got a little distracted by his pal Alistair who dragged him screaming ( apparently) into Clarks Bar. Jurys out on that one.


A load of us get together for a curry at our pals Mike and Mag’s house. Their kids all got a Wii for Christmas though I am not sure they have been ble to get near it for their parents and their friends!. By 10pm all the grown men have disappeared. We find them in the room with the kids and the Wii – they are all playing golf and carrying on as it is was the actual PGA. We leave them to it. An hour later we go back to find Dynamites Dave now boxing on the Wii – he is beaten by Si Si the 8 year old daughter of our hosts. This in itself would be funny enough but add to the fact that in real life Dave is a 3rd Dahn, Black Belt in Judo and you can imagine for the mickey taking by the rest of us – as they say the gloves were off!


Standing in Sugar Mountain – delicious sweet shop in North Berwick when I overhear this man complaining yet again he wasn’t asked to be in the nativity allegedly cos he is not wise enough to be a wise man. The girls behind the counter laugh and as he turns he smiles ‘ I read your column every week – you’re an awfy one!’ Well Ken Sinclair so are you! Wise men indeed. I left with a bag of soor plums, a stick of a rock and a big smile. A final word from Bill Findlay who corresponds regularly with me through the column his tips for staying trim in the new year – push yourself repeatedly back from the table but only after you have eaten your fill at least twice. Thanks Bill my mantra for the year ahead.


Writer & broadcaster.

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