Fidel Castros Teeth. Nice.


Cigarry teeth a la Fidel

After a wild night out I was woken very early Saturday by David stumbling and guddling round the bathroom. What are you doing? I asked from my sore headed bed. Trying to read the ingredients of your fake tan he answered. Even in my half asleep state I knew this was unusual . Why? I asked,.  It seems when we came in last night I brushed my teeth with it. Despite the heid I couldn’t help but laugh. How on earth did you manage that? The pump action he muttered the pump action is the same as the toothpaste. So you mean the only real difference then would be the big red Colgate branding versus the dark brown Brazilian tanning branding – hard to mix up even in the dark I thought but decided not to say as I glanced over at what I can only imagine Fidel Castros teeth after 5000 cigars would have resembled. Is it permanent? He asks as the tears fell down my face and I shook my head whilst commenting most people are trying to get their teeth to go whiter not stain them nut brown. Poor thing went off with his lips firmly sealed and the way he was looking at me I suspect he would quite like me join suit.


My car almost blew up today. I was driving it thru town – nowhere off-road or motorwayish and when I parked it there was a distinct smell of burning. Getting out of the car I had a sniff at the bonnet and then was wondering what to do when a girl came up and said ‘I read your column every week!’ Oh thanks I said, come and smell my car. She did and agreed that it was indeed potentially about to burst into flames. As we stood I was fumbling round around looking for change for the pay and display machine when she  held out her handful of coins and said ‘actually I’ve just been caught short this is my pals Dads wake money!’ We smirked at each other whilst taking a wide berth round my car and the smoky bonnet before saying farewell. Ah sometimes I don’t feel so alone.


Louis birthday and so what did I get succoured into this year? An – gulp – electric guitar. It’s called an Electric Elf and it’s a wee Les Paul look-a-like – I am half hoping if he doesn’t like it I will just spirit it off into my office. Luckily for everyone he loves it – well everyone except Dave and I and our lugs – he has mastered, as they do, the riff from Smoke On The Water which was reverberating round our home for the 3 hours before bed time. My bedtime not his – he was still up when I went to sink into a bath with earplugs in and a good book. ‘How not to Lose your Marbles in the face of an enthusiastic amplified guitar beginner’ Cover to cover and I am still clenched,


Have heard about this new system that test you for food intolerance. My pal Fiona had it done and was told she had to cut out wine. Naturally that brought on a deep depression potentially worse than the symptoms she was attempting to alleviate. Anyway,  off I went . It is a strange thing you sit on a chair and take off your shoe and the therapist clasps your foot. She then hands over a metal cylinder which is attached to this machine. In the machine there are lots of little slots and she has over 100 wee vials which contain the food stuff you are being tested for. She drops each vial into the machine she presses a probe against your foot and it give off a high pitched squeak – the machine not the foot! Occasionally the noise becomes a lot lower and makes a humming sound and those vials are the ones that contain stuff you should avoid. I had a few but the dramatic ones included chocolate – oh my God can I go on? – prawns – a staple for me I love them, yeast , that’s my 3 loaf a day habit over and saccharin. The most unusual ones were horse dander. Not only do I not know what the hell that is but  I have made it a lifes work  staying as far away from horses as possible since the day I sat astride a cute wee thing, named Orinoco after the Womble, who I was assured would just amble along next stop glue factory style – but one word from me and it took off like Russell Brand after a piece of skirt. Terrified I was so I have stayed away from horses and their dander ever since. So maybe Orinoco had an intolerance to me… I thank my toe prodder and leave ready for my new life as a health freak.


Big fund raising school party tonight I am not drinking as I have to take Louis and his clump of pals to a rugby match tomorrow and being responsible for all those boys with a thick head is not humanly possible. It will be hard enough clear eyed and calm


Did I say clear eyed and calm. The kids rugby was cancelled cos of the weather so by the time they arrived at our gaff they were high as kites. Dave and I took them to see Scotland V Romania and then on the way out of te ground they formed into a rolling maul and careered through the streets until they collapsed en masse 15 10/11& 12year olds for a mass pagar in the park. Muddy and hyper  I have locked myself in the living room to write them and will only come out if there’s blood shed. Get me a gin and fast!


Writer & broadcaster.

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