Fact: Ice cream, chocolate & booze = fat,spotty & hungover.

Monday

Head down to finish this guide to Edinburgh. I am crap at details, this is hard. Details and sensible punctuation. A mystery to me,>’# see?!?£

Manage to do lots of things to distract myself like take Flora, half dog half womble , for a haircut. She looks better, hates me and has a new boyfriend. Details and photos here http://bit.ly/b9f8Zq

Tuesday

How many you fat bannock?

Sit in front of computer screen all day. Eating. Subconsciously now. Bought 2 boxes of 3 Crunchie ice creams for the price of 1 from Morrisons. By the time Dave comes in I am still sitting in the kitchen writing now with a pile of detritus under my chair. Mainly Crunchie wrappers. Though there are a few other wrappers there too.

Did you eat all those? He asks shocked, pointing at my Brazilian rainforest of paper

(Men! Why don’t they comprehend a ton of chocolate is never enough. Open the gullet, get it in, keep stuffing it in until no more can be fitted in. A point I will never reach – I have tried. Men!)

No I said

Are you lying? He asked

Yes I said

Al!

I looked at him and he knew. Not up for discussion.

Wednesday

Chef of greatness

Guilt about diet. I may probably collapse and die after the crap I stuffed into my chops yesterday. Make concerted effort to do some exercise. Weather bloody awful so give up and take root in front of computer again. Eating. This is now a habit. Still at least I am getting through my Experts Guide to Edinburgh Guide. Have heard about a wee Turkish restaurant worth a visit so go and check it out. http://bit.ly/cjhBNW

Rod Stewart playing at Edinburgh castle tonight. The ramparts will be rampant with leopard skin leggings and it is so wet, the rain is running down the middle of the road. Poor Rodly – not so much hot legs as wet legs.

Thursday

Farm Shop fab for face stuffing

Went to NB to see my Mum. It was a foul day so we compensated by going to Fenton Barns Farm Shop for lunch. What a great place . Farm shop groaning with plates of food. So much so Dave couldn’t finish his. No that is not a misprint.

An hour later we are back at Mums. She bakes cakes, we eat them. It’s a family tradition. It was enthusiastically upheld today.

Sir Rodly of the Stewpot

Rod Stewart back on stage at Edinburgh Castle at 8pm he came off just before 10 – old trooper. Dynamite went and loved it. If you like my music, and you think I’m good for an OAP, come on baby let me know.

Friday

Like mine - 'cept this one works

Put petrol in my car. Sounds reasonable – not when it’s a diesel. Bloody thing juddered a few times and ground to a halt. On way to pick up mum from station. Phoned her to let her know her daughter was a half wit and I was now on foot.. But it was my mum and her mobile so of course she didn’t pick it up cos she never has it with her, and if she doesn she doesn’t put it on. So she is standing looking lost when I arrive harassed at the train station. I tried to phone you on the mobile I explain. Oh I don’t carry that thing! She said as if it were a preposterous suggestion. Exhaling we don’t argue but decide to walk along Prince Street for a nose, then onto George Street and then the heavens open. We rush into Browns for a quick drink. We only have 2 glasses of wine but by the time Dave arrives I am feeling no pain. The reason he finds out is the wine I have been glugging in to is 14% proof! Knocks our heads off. As we sit there the large red flatbed bed truck arrives to collect my car key to go and retrieve my car (RIP) to be flushed out or rinsed out or set on fire whatever they do. Do I get half wit of the week award? I ask them. No you’d be surprised how many folk do that. They said making me feel better as they take it away. We wend our way home on foot. Just as well frankly. Hic.

Saturday

Louis too!

Late last night on the internet I decide to adopt a dog. Half Scottie Half Laso Apso he is a 10 month old pup staying at Mrs Murray’s Home for stray dogs and cats in Aberdeen . He looks like my wee half womble half haggis Flora’s brother which is a good start then when I see his name is Louis I am convinced it is fate. Louis my son and Louis the dog. I get in touch and say I will take him. I am in love. I text pal Tracy and ask her to go and check him out for me. She agrees.

Saturday

Wake up feeling awful, phone dog home and tell them I am not adopting another dog. Despite it being named after my son and a natural fit with Flora it was another case of drink in wits out. I already have 2 dogs, they will hate me, they will resent him plus how can I go get him I haven’t’ got a bloody car. Text Tracy. She phones Thank God she said I did think you’d lost the plot.
Now she tells me.

Drink Resolve, beroccas, eat bananas and walk to the shops to get food. The heavens open, I am drenched, so drenched my Mum bursts out laughing when I squelch in. It looks like someones just thrown a bucket of water over your head she guffaws. They have. God I say. He’s got it in for me this weekend.

This feeling is still with me as I write this hungover, wet and dog tired. No sympathy required I should know better by now – but I don’t suppose I ever will. Not now.

  • Jackie

    Rod was excellent in Inverness for an OAP, and the weather was kind to us.

  • Cathie

    Just glad that there is someone else as 'mental' as me!!!

  • So they turned down your Chairmanship of The Temperance Society then

  • El

    Now I know why we get on so well! You are not alone in the “I should know better by now” thought xx