Laziest woman in Scotland breaks into a trot shock!

Looking at the photographs of all the participants in the Edinburgh 10k in the paper tonight they do look happy, healthy, full of life and then I remembered. Oh dear.

Commited to doing the Race for Life 10k in a moment of madness and today was the first day of training. We run on 13th June so have 6 weeks – not bloody long! Pal Catherine printed off the schedule so we met tonight at 5.45pm to run for 5 minutes, walk for 5, run for 5, walk for 5.

Piece of cake said Catherine

This is a piece of cake in my book

‘Yes please’ I answered

No I mean this will be a piece of cake  she said

‘Yeh even in this state of drooping decrepitude I can surely run for 5 bloomin’ minutes’ I scoffed.

OK we’re off commanded Cat as she clicked her watch.

First minute. 3o seconds in the left knee did something. Not sure what. I have never thought about my left knee before in my life other than to muse it’d be nice if it wasn’t quite so squishy and doubled up. So here it was making it’s presence felt after all these years by  protesting  at the 10 and a half stones that were suddenly bearing down upon it. I ignored it heroically I felt.

Second minute I asked ‘how long is that then?’ in a rather stacactto breathy voice.

2 minutes.

God it feels like an hour.

Cat gave me an encouraging smile. And then the stitch started. Not the traditional low left hand side stitch this one. No, more the half way up the tummy  I’ve just stuffed a bag of salt and vinegar Hula Hoops down my gullet 5 minutes before commencing the run stitch, so I clutched that as my knee twanged again.

God how much longer? I puffed.

Hula hoops but not salt & vinegar as far as I know

30 seconds she said and so counting down from 30 to zero we slowed to a walk again.

Bloody Hell I didn’t realise I was so unfit. I mumped.

I know 5 minutes walking then another 5 running and that’s it.

OK I said concentrating on not wobbling to much.

So the 5 minutes walking passed FAST . Then we were off running again. Plodding, wheezing, hating every step. 5 minutes, 4 minutes, 3 minutes, losing the will to live, please can I lie on the grass now, face down just to smell the grass and distract me from the rasping noise of my lungs clammering for air? 2 minutes. I’m going to cry. 1 minute – the LONGEST 60 seconds in the Universe. STOP!  As I bent double,  hands on my knees waiting for my heart rate to drop from dangerously high I clocked Catherine.

See she said smiling, it wasn’t that bad.

If I ever get my breath back we will have words.

I have til Wednesday to psychologically prepare myself for the next days training which I can categorically state will be completely Hula Hoop free. If you fancy it join in. There is no way you can be as bad as I am and who knows, and I don’t believe this anymore than you do, it might be fun!


Writer & broadcaster.

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