Safetox not Botox!


Doom and Gloom. The credit crunch – yikes. It is whapping everyone and so like everyone else I am spending a lot of time online trying to find the cheapest mobile, broadband, tv, food, power etc. It makes my head hurt. These companies have us over a barrel. It all sounds very easy until you look into the detail and the red tape and rigmoroal is nae real. Hen it gets to omuch I find myself baking. I know it is a displacement activity and one that is very bad for my backside but I started it earlier this year and can’t stop – as my muffin top will confirm -_ it is quite theraputic and I am churning them out with so regulalry that word is spreading so all the boys in our street keep turning up and casually hanging around the kitchen smiling. Today it is banana & toffee.


Louis has a pal staying tonight. They do their homework before going outside to play. After an hour or two I hear them coming back in and stomping off to play the Playstation. I leave them for a while and then I feel the call of the muffin so shout through the door ‘ do you want anything to eat?’ I hear a voice shout Yes as I dig out todays batch – carrot and pineapple. As I fiddle round with my back to the door I ask ‘ fancy a muffin ?’ at which point I turn only to see lined up in front of me 7 boys grinning and saying in unison ‘yes please’. The range in age from our neighbour Nick who is 10 and his pal Jamie, to Angus 14, Rory 15 and Alexander 12 from along the road and Louis plus Ben. Snow in summer they scoff the lot. The gannets.


A highly frustrating morning as my entire plumbing system is blocked – not me the flat. We have a sink disposal unit which blocks about 3 times a day. As I wait for the plumber I whip up some raisin, ginger, wholemeal muffins ( my secret ploy to keep Louis off the glow in the dark Haribo) The plumber comes round on the dot of mid-day and fiddles around with his equipement so to speak, and sorts it all out. I reward him for his labours with a couple of muffins. A mutual respect is born. Dave has a meeting in the house and so four more go which means when the platoon of boys come trapising in in the evening I have to break the news I only have 4 left. There is a moment of silence. Can we put in a request please? Taken aback I agree. So it is decided Apple and cinammon is on the cards tomorrow and so – unsurprisingly is Weight Watchers with my neighbour. I dont want to fall through the stage at The Great Scots….God forbid.


I am seriousy considering selling my car as it is costing a fortune to run and I can’t get the damn thing parked anywhere anyway so today I am bussing. I have spent some time exotlling the virtues of the public transport network in Edinburgh and I am going for it big time. £1.10 it takes you anywhere. This is all very well if you get on the right bus. Tight for time, a meeting at 1pm , I get on the wrong one, as soon as I realise I leap off, gt on the right on and as luck would have it – it stops right at The Royal Mile where we unexpectedly take part in the parade to welcome Chris Hoy , conquering Olympic Hero home. Everyone else has been caught up in it too so we start an hour late as if it was all planned. Thanks Chris.


Meeting with Shona Donaldson at Loch Fyne Oyster Bar during lunch playwright Simon Donald and Scottish Gallery Owner Guy Peploe come in to eat. They are chatting conspiratorially and so when they come up after luncht o say hello we find out why. A few weeks agosomeone asked them – half jokingly – if they would take part in this charity event in which they climb the highest mountains in Scotland, England and Wales one after the other in a 24 hour period and in a moment of madness said yes. Have you been training? I asked. They burst out laughing No. They were off to Tissots to buy kagools, dried food and a tent. They promised an update unless we read about them beforehand in the Papers courtesy of ‘2 daft Scotsmen huddle on moutain begging for lift home shocker’. Good luck to them they are going to need it.

Dave’s mobile phone goes off in the middle of the night about 3 times a week – the alarm even goes off if the p hone is switched off! So I am now holding him responsible for the face drooping and the monumental eyebags but I refuse to get jabbed with needles. I don’t like the whole idea of Botox and so I live with my well earned lines whilst keeping an eye out for less invasive miracle anti aging tricks.This weeks discovery is Safetox apparently it works as well as Botox but no jabbing required. I google it only to discover it is a strange blue headband you strap to , yes you guessed it, your head which then twangs an electric current onto your face – they say it can show a reduction of up 83% of wrinkles in 6 weeks. What a disaster that would be I might not get served in bars for being too young!. Yeh right. Still my birthday is coming up…..Dave!


Writer & broadcaster.

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