Off to meet old pal who has just had 2 weeks in the Caribbean. This proves I have completely lost it. Permanently. I mean who in their right mind would have a friend who would bugger off to such an exotic part of the world only to come back and gloat. So I am off for the gloat. I am.
I guarantee she will be dressed head to toe in white which have the added effect of making her teeth and eyes look whiter and better and already I feel a slumping depression will have kicked in by 3pm Greenwich mean time. Very mean.
Clarted in fake tan, big pants strapped on in an attempt to restrict the giant arse, too much make-up in an attempt to hide the inevitable horror of July in Scotland 
turning me into a static eating machine. Off I shuffle ready to bear my yellow teeth and eyes with enthusiasm as she regales me with the highlights of the holiday. I have already heard about Wayne Rooney pitching up during the world cup, Colleen in a tiny green bikini and Ruby Wax in the gym.
I can always bat back with my ‘ I saw George Clooney in a loin cloth’
Really?
No I’m lying now shut up and buy me a drink.
I will report back.
