A-Z of Scottish Storms. Never mind Henry.

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Life is confusing enough without names for every puff of wind coming our way. Apparently it’s so we pay more attention. So far we have suffered a series of middle class names with strange associations.

1. Abigail – a gingham clad extra in an Enid Blyton book. Irritating but not scary.
2. Barney – an irritating Purple Dinosaur who has driven many parents to hard liquor and reexamining the gun law.
3. Clodagh – Rogers, the singer of the Eurovision hit of many eons back. Long blonde hair and vintage 70’s trousers. Disturbing but again not scary.
4. Desmond – my Auntie Margarets fat dalmatian. aka a sap
5. Eva – Hitlers girlfriend
6. Frank – a boiler suited American form the 1950’s
7. Gertrude – a goose in a Disney film. And as of today
8. Henry – a tweed clad, blustering, red faced, upper class twit of the year.


I propose we ditch these no name names and go for something altogether more menacing.

We all remember Hurricane Bawbag our local vernacular for one of these great whirling twists of hell and so here are suggestions of alternatives;

Hoots mon.
Hoots mon.

The A-Z Scottish storms.

A Argie barge
B Bahookey
C  Crabbit
D  Drookit
E  Eejit/Erse
F  Fankle
G  Glasgae kiss
H  Humfie-backit
I   Into a’thing
J  Jaggy Bunnet
K  Kerry oot!
L   Laldy
M  Manky
N   Numpty
O   Oxter
P   Plooky
Q   Quench the quine
R   Radge
S   Stoater 
T   Teuchter 
U   Up shite creek
V    Voddie 
W   Watch yersel’?
X    Xactly why am off to tae Benidorm for ma holidays?
Y    Ya Bass!?
Z    Zip it or I’ll batter ye.


Now we’re feart!  Am heidin’ hame noo.

I love our language. It’s bloody great!

97.5% of Scots are unhealthy! Says who?


Och Aye the Noo

‘Scottish people are putting their lives at risk with an unhealthy lifestyle of heavy smoking, high alcohol intake and poor diet, health experts warned on Friday.

Scientists looked at five major risk factor to determine the general health of the Scottish population — smoking, heavy alcohol consumption, poor diet, physical inactivity and being overweight.They found that nearly the whole adult population (97.5%) fell into at least one of those categories, the experts wrote in the online journal BMC Public Health.’

Bullshit. Glasgow University have come up with this outrageous stastic how exactly? Line up 100 people you know, have met, work with and there is no way on earth 97% of them are unhealthy.

So it seems  we are still  deep fried Mars Bar scoffing,  low slung, wheezing, haggis eating, kilted, boozers aka yer stereotypical Scot. And the results of this ill thought out and badly executed survey are going to do little to strengthen the reputation of us throughout the wider world. When I read it I was spitting feathers – not deep frying and eating them just spitting them.

Pass the remote

Hills, lochs, rivers, endless joggers, marathons, football, shinty, rugby, curling, badminton, squash, cricket, gymnastics, 5k’s, 10k’s, skiing, water skiing, walking, climbing, canoeing, surfing, riding, tennis – oh what’s his name again ? Yup Andy Murray. Cycling – em…….blonde geezer from Edinburgh, cute, recently married, nae oer bad on a bike? Yup Sir Chris Hoy. There are numerous world class atheletes who come from Scotland BUT the way this survey has been published will make the outside world believe everyone in  our towns, cities and rural areas (bar 3%) are lying fat on a couch with the remote control and a packet of fags in one hand, whilst swiggin’ Buckfast from the bottle and waiting for delivery 29″ meat feast pizza with extra chilli fries  to arrive. 

Breakfast in the Average Scottish household - apparently.

Hell what are we going to do when the Commonwealth Games open in Glasgow?  With 97.5% of us so unhealthy surely no-one will fit through the door of the stadium to welcome the international athletes. And competitors ? Well if there is a deep fried cheese and meat eating competition we are a shoe in for the gold.

 The worst of it is, this survey came out of the  University of Glasgow who supposedly surveyed 6500 people. Did they survey 10 and just photocopy of the results do you think? There is something far wrong with this and for anyone who wants life insurance with a Scottish address they should be made to retract this work of fiction fast.

Laugh? I nearly passed my fags round twice.