{"id":645,"date":"2010-03-28T09:49:13","date_gmt":"2010-03-28T08:49:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/?p=645"},"modified":"2012-05-29T22:00:35","modified_gmt":"2012-05-29T21:00:35","slug":"7-days-in-scotland-trapped-in-the-body-of-a-podgy-middle-aged-woman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/2010\/03\/7-days-in-scotland-trapped-in-the-body-of-a-podgy-middle-aged-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"7 Days in Scotland trapped in the body of a podgy, middle-aged woman."},"content":{"rendered":"
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I know how he feels.<\/dd>\n<\/dl>\n<\/div>\n

Monday<\/p>\n

Arranged a tennis lesson in a fit of madness. I used to play about 20 years ago and had vaguely firm thighs so the thought of revealing any part of my body at all ever again has spurred me on to give it a go. One hour of teaching from the coach and I am wondering if the court has an oxygen tent, main problem is\u00a0I can’t find out the answer\u00a0as I can’t speak. No\u00a0it’s not\u00a0a good look hanging onto the net gasping for breath as the\u00a0 coach stands next to me, arm outstretched, proferring a bottle of water. Clearly I have a long way to go.<\/p>\n

Tuesday<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Soon to be joined by Bandy & Limpy<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Walking like I’ve\u00a0\u00a0had a \u00a0horse between my legs for the past 20 years.\u00a0Bandy and limpy. \u00a0Tennis clearly reaches the parts of the body\u00a0that have been lying\u00a0 dormant for decades. Blimey.\u00a0This evening \u00a0Dave asks if I’d like a game? ‘Of what?’ I\u00a0ask hurpling. Tennis?\u00a0he says.\u00a0‘TENNIS are you joking? Look at me?’ He smirks, yeh OK then how about Scrabble? \u00a0I chose to ignore that\u00a0 cheek, storing the retaliation for another time. \u00a0Watch it sunshine your time will come.<\/p>\n

Wednesday<\/p>\n

Dynamite has been away on holiday for 10 days but it’s her birthday today so I phone where she is staying and speak to a mutual pal. Where are you<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Would have been a much better idea the tea!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

going tonight? I ask. I’ll phone and buy her a big drink to wish her happy birthday. ‘Oh God’ says\u00a0Duff the desperate voice ‘\u00a0 don’t do that I couldn’t face it’. It’s not for you! I admonished ‘I know but Dynamite is sitting right next to me, are you drinking tonight Di?’\u00a0 In the background I can\u00a0hear the familiar tones muffled but definitive\u00a0 of the birthday girl herself\u00a0 ‘Non. No. Nein. Nicht. Never’ Put her on! I command. You sure you don’t want a big cold birthday gin and tonic? I ask. ‘Och well….why not?’ That girl has the self control of Lewis Hamilton when faced with the accelarator pedal of a very fast car. None. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!<\/p>\n

Thursday<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
John about to sink his head into the vat<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Met up with old pal John Wood for a quick drink.\u00a0 John & I used to do the zoo crew a radio program which was a scream. John is a natural comedian so we soon revert to type sitting in a restaurant, eating, drinking and guffawing like a pair of old dafties.\u00a0 Afterwards we decide to just head off home when John suggests one for the road. One what? Vat? Yup spot on. Having sat at the begining of the evening declaring ‘ oh aye we were wild then’ we stayed out til closing time and hatched 17 new plans for world domination of the entertainment world. Shame we won’t remember them in the morning.<\/p>\n

Friday<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Got a call at 8.30am to appear on Kaye Adams new show on BBC Radio Scotland within the hour. The topic? The idea that clothes maketh the man. Naturally being a big mouthed Aberdonian I aye have something to say on any subject.\u00a0 There was no escaping the irony as I sat there in my tacky\u00a0trackie bottoms,odd socks, with a slumped dog on one foot, no make-up, a surfeit of Astral cream on my face\u00a0in a baggy,faded sweatshirt and expounded the sad truth that clothes do maketh\u00a0 the woman.\u00a0\u00a0 Which as I<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Photo taken as I exit studio<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

regarded the\u00a0fright of myself in the mirror \u00a0may well be why I now broadcast dressed like Catweasel from a small dark cupboard in my home.<\/p>\n

Saturday<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
7 hours and counting.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Taking the horror of my ever greying hair on board I bought a Garnier Herbalshine hair colour. Temporary covers grey for up to 6 weeks. On reading the instructions I was tempted to go to the local infirmary to apply it. Oh My God. It is as if they expecting your head to swell to the size of an elephant before passing out and experiencing some sort of fit. Nervously I read and re-read it before deciding I looked like a grey headed elephant anyway so I might\u00a0\u00a0as well go ahead.\u00a0 Half an hour later I appeared downstairs with completely different hair colour. As I write this I am still waiting for my husband to notice. 7 hours and counting.<\/p>\n

Now Sunday morning and he still hasn’t noticed. He will pay.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I know how he feels. Monday Arranged a tennis lesson in a fit of madness. I used to play about 20 years ago and had…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[25,24,104,83,1161,77,1],"tags":[320,55,318,317,321,319,315,316],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/645"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=645"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/645\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=645"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=645"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=645"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}