Drama of the most disturbing kind. This week I bought a set of scales. No not for measuring food, but for measuring the result of all the\u00a0 food that has been thrown down my chops in the past few\u00a0 years.\u00a0 I am not a great believer in weighing myself for several reasons 1. I know I\u2019m overweight and don\u2019t need a set of scales to tell me and\u00a0 2.I\u2019m not good with numbers anyway \u2013 at least not the sort that creep up and up confirming my metabolic rate is zero.. But,being\u00a0 an inveterate bargain hunter when I Saw a set of scales in IKEA for \u00a33 I knew I could not resist. In fact they were in the trolley before I could say chaffing thighs.\u00a0 After unpacking everything else in the car I turned my attention to the cork covered fat confirmers and carried them into the house under my coat hiding them from any possible neighbours. Why? I don\u2019t know I\u2019m a columnist not a psychologist. Anyway I went through the inevitable dilemna .Will I weigh myself now or will I wait til it is 6am I am naked and haven\u2019t eaten for hours. Foolishly I went for the former. I stepped on them as confidently as I could and watched in horror as the needle leapt to an unfeasibly high number which caused me to stand gauping for a second before stepping off as the pit of my stomach knotted and an instant depression kicked in. The darn things had confirmed what I knew already \u2013 You don\u2019t get\u00a0 Yasmin Le Bons Thighs by eating crisps and lots of pies.. So I did the only thing possible in such circumstances I boiled the kettle and paced the floor until David came home.\u00a0 The second the poor man came in the door he heard the dulcet tones of his loving wife saying \u2018Get on these scales and weigh yourself\u2019 Used to such charm he put down his stuff and stepped on. I watched as his healthy glow changed rapidly to a sickly grey and he looked at me and just managed to gasp \u2018Oh My God\u2019 before\u00a0 getting off.\u00a0 Reaching for another biscuit I declared \u2018 They must be wrong\u2019. \u2018 \u2018Yes\u2019 he agreed enthusiastically \u2018They must\u2019. It was about this time Louis the bounding child came into view \u2018What\u2019s wrong with you two ?\u2019 He asked as his parents stood ashen faced staring at the weighing machine. \u2018Nothing dear\u2019 I said as breezily as an official tub could muster. And so he leapt on them \u2018 Great!\u2019 he squawked I\u2019m four stone! Thrilled that he weighed more than ever this proved to him he was turning into a big strong Samson like boy and so he danced around the flat smiling. At least someone was happy.<\/p>\n
\u2018I\u2019m going out tonight to Fiona\u2019s birthday party\u2019 I said to David gravely\u00a0 \u2018I\u2019m taking them with me\u2019. So as all the other guests arrived brandishing wine, cake and chocolates they were a little bemused to see me produce a set of cork scales from my handbag. \u2018I need to weigh you\u2019 I announced.Yeh right.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Being women they all looked at me, rolled their eyes\u00a0 and refused. Eventually after a couple of glasses one of them climbed aboard. She too looked crest fallen<\/p>\n
\u2018As I suspected I\u2019ve put on heaps of weight\u2019 she mumbled as she took refuge in a bowl of KP Nuts. Two more did a similar thing and then little Dynamite Di ,came in. Dynamite had had her annual medical that very day by coincidence and thus had been on a very up to minute and precise set of scales. She got on and shrieked \u2018 \u2018my God they\u2019re a stone out\u2019\u2026there was a silence. Someone had to ask. We had to know.<\/p>\n
\u2018Up or down?\u2019 I ventured \u2018Up!\u2019 she replied. Halleluiah. From a gathering of the very depressed and podgy we reverted to\u00a0 a gathering of crisp eating, chocolate nibbling, wine swilling slappers\u00a0 so very relieved\u00a0 were we all by this wonderful news.<\/p>\n
SOofor Fionas birthday she got to bin the scales and off we merrily went. Slept late and long for various reasons and so missed David in the morning. By the time he came in that evening I was feeling rehydrated and very chipper and was concerned to see him looking so glum. \u2018Whats wrong with you\u2019? I enquired \u2018 I have never been so heavy in my life I am going to have to go on a\u2019 gulp and dramatic pause \u2018 diet\u2019.<\/p>\n
The poor soul had gone through the entire day thinking he was turning into Giant Haystacks\u00a0 as I had completely forgotten to tell him the fabulous news!\u00a0 He cheered up immediately when he realised his 6 pack wasn\u2019t that dim a memory. Now all we have to do is break the news to Louis that the World Wrestling Federation won\u2019t be calling him quite yet.\u00a0 Still onward and upward and not outward well much.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Drama of the most disturbing kind. This week I bought a set of scales. No not for measuring food, but for measuring the result of…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[25,104],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4475"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4475"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4475\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4475"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4475"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4475"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}