{"id":1444,"date":"2010-08-23T08:31:17","date_gmt":"2010-08-23T07:31:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/?p=1444"},"modified":"2012-05-29T21:53:01","modified_gmt":"2012-05-29T20:53:01","slug":"top-one-liners-from-edinburgh-festival-2010-bloody-funny","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/2010\/08\/top-one-liners-from-edinburgh-festival-2010-bloody-funny\/","title":{"rendered":"Top one-liners from Edinburgh Festival 2010 – bloody funny"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Top one lines from this years Festival \u2013 the pefect way to start the week.<\/p>\n

1. Tim Vine<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what \u2013 never again.”<\/p>\n

2. David Gibson (as Ray Green)<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”<\/p>\n

3. Emo Philips <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I picked up a hitch-hiker. You gotta when you hit them.”<\/p>\n

4. Jack Whitehall<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands … I say ‘bought’ \u2013 I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”<\/p>\n

5. Gary Delaney <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”<\/p>\n

6. John Bishop<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”<\/p>\n

7. Bo Burnham<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”<\/p>\n

8. Gary Delaney:<\/strong> <\/em><\/p>\n

“Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”<\/p>\n

9. Robert White:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates – empty.”<\/p>\n

10. Gareth Richards<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

“Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.”<\/p>\n

...and the worst<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sara Pascoe
\n<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”<\/p>\n

Sean Hughes<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“You know city-centre beat officers… Well, are they police who rap?”<\/p>\n

Gyles Brandreth<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I’ve got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that’s the point, isn’t it?”<\/p>\n

Doc Brown<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.”<\/p>\n

John-Luke Roberts<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”<\/p>\n

Sarah Millican <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it.”<\/p>\n

Bec Hill<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”<\/p>\n

Dan Antopolski<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”<\/p>\n

Andi Osho<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?”<\/p>\n

Gareth Richards<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“My mother is always taking photographs of me – she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.”<\/p>\n

Emo Phillips<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

“I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Top one lines from this years Festival \u2013 the pefect way to start the week. 1. Tim Vine “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday….<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[25,24],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1444"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1444"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1444\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1444"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1444"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/alisonsdiary.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1444"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}