Shrink your bum and make your heart sing.

Shrink your bum and make your heart sing.
Role model in the 70’s

Growing up in the NE of Scotland porridge was such a cliche – I regarded it in the same vein as kilts, haggis, bagpipes and Andy Stewart. To be avoided.

But the time has come when observation has brought me to the altar of the great God porridge oat.

It is of great interest to me as we age our bodies change – bits fall, others bits undulate and bulge and looking around any friendship group we all note the unavoidable changes we all go through. But I do have a keen eye for the ones with the smallest bums and the most energy – neither of which applies to me. Sadly. This is a self portrait of my bum – it is not good news when it tickles the back of my knees.

the Craig bottom

My dear Mum is in a Care Home in Aberdeen.  I go to see her regularly and stay with my pal Sarah. Every morning I noted Sarah who is of the small bum and high energy variety  microwaves a bowl of porridge oats and milk,  chucks in a banana or some other fruity addition – blackberries or whatever is lurking in the fridge and scoffs the lot.
She is small but she does not hold back on the gruel portion.
“It keeps you full” she said as I eschewed the oats and toyed with a mandarin accompanied by my gut grumbling and empty.

I stared at the porridge doubtful of its billing.

And then as the waistband stained and the muffin top bloomed and yet again I observed Sarahs wee bum jaunting round the kitchen again I thought – OK porridge let’s be having you.

So the truth of the matter is this.

She is right.

I  am a convert. I make mine with water  and it is not the most delicious thing in the world BUT with a scoop of Scottish honey and a drizzle of milk it is warming and filling.

But….. and this is the exciting bit….

It is cheap. Not inexpensive, not reasonable but CHEAP. 75 pm for a kg of the stuff in ALDI

ALDI 75p per KG

A big bowl of porridge does fill you up.

It keeps you full.

For hours.

And – this is a real middle aged woman thing – it keeps you regular – no really.

Yes I am at the stage where I am writing about my bowel movements on my blog. Dear God.

But as time goes on it is another problem many people suffer from. 

So…….since this new regime – and its only been a few weeks – the klaxon sounds within my system and I know the porridge has worked its high fibre magic and with a smile I retire to the cludge. 

A bag of porridge oats from the supermarket is under a £1

Bet he loved the stuff. Slim, fit and bagpipey.

There are fancy poncy sweetie groovy ones but just get a bag of bog standard oats.

Shove them in a pan and pour water into them the night before and leave them in the kitchen somewhere warm and then when you get up heat them up for 3 minutes – a real heat up and they will go all creamy and that’s your lot. Deal done.

I hesitate to say my bum is small but I think it is smaller and as for the energy – I’d say yes – more of it.

OK it’s not a miracle but considering its sitting in most our cupboards and all of our shops and has been a – albeit cliche – staple in Scotland forever – I am in love.

Heres an article from 2009 in The Guardian extolling its virtues – yes a little behind the curve here but better late and all that…. Porridge 2009

Coincidentally today is the day of the World Porridge Making Championships – The Golden Spurtle and if you want to see the experts at work – have a look here.

WATCH: World Porridge Making Championships 2018: Who will raise the Golden Spurtle?


Writer & broadcaster.

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