A new health scare sweeping the world.

So when is anyone going to talk about this?

 There are statistics to prove it’s happening, there are examples of it all around and yet everyone is brushing it under the  carpet. Well they would if they could be arsed to get up and find a brush. We know that when there is a major health scare going on the powers that be, the bossy upper echelon type characters,  will keep it from us for fear of a mass panic. Well they will until they are safely dug into their luxury bunkers somewhere East of Java as the rest of us suffer the consequences of some over ambitious GM food scientists Frankenstien virus. But it’s time to blow this one out of the water.

So it is with  a genuine  expression of gravity  I must report that a new and potentially fatal syndrome which is sweeping the world. That syndrome  is Twitter Arse.

Twitter Arse occurs without the sufferer being fully aware.

Once a Twitter account has been started the seemingly innocuous 149 character Tweets are a novelty that gradually turn into minutes, hours, days, weeks, months of sitting Twittering nonsense to the world at large.

Some tell jokes, some (myself included ) are self-employed writers, journalists, broadcaster who specialise in prevarication and distraction which makes Twitter the perfect and potentially lethal  fit. Others promote, some spread the word of dog , some  spread the word of God and some prefer the World According to Garp. No matter which category though the effects are the same. Be warned and please be aware.

A DVD for a DVD player in some cases.

The symptoms  checklist includes:

A DVD in the buttock – not not a DVT a DVD. If you sit still long enough someone may try to insert a DVD into your bottom  thinking that huge bulbous thing hanging out of the back of the chair is a new fangled Alessi DVD machine. Do not be alarmed it is just your ever increasing flabby arse cos exercise and interaction with actual humans is now a thing of the past.

A DVT in the buttock is also a real danger. Believe me. The bad news is  I have looked  you can’t get a tight black sock to strap that sucker in so clench hourly that should postpone death for a while anyway.

One vast undulating buttock and oh look another one. Yes a matching set. Nice.

A slackness of muscle everywhere other than the finger and the brain.

The inability to talk in sentences longer than 149 characters.

A desire to stay in, stay away from real people and exist only  in the world of the Tweeterer.

A collapse in relationships but who cares? After all  you have your Twitter family all around – whoever they are.

The sad and inevitable end to this syndrome is a slow and painful death. Stuck into your chair, unable to move to request help, you finger breaks down and with it your ability to communicate at all.

I am off to Tweet this news @alisonsdiary. Many times. For hours, days, weeks, months…..arggggggggggggh. Thud. Whimper. Exhale. Puff. Silence.

See? Told you.

I LOVE IT THOUGH!!! DON’T YOU????????????????


Writer & broadcaster.

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