Asda make you pick your bum.

Are you trawling the shops for your Christmas party dress? Well, Asda have just announced The Wonderbum  range having decided our bums are non longer just general bums but they are to be categorised into 4 shapes.
According to these self appointed Professors of Posterior almost half of us girls have a  tomato shaped bottom “bigger, plumper, rounder and squishy to the touch”, the retailer said.
A tomato shaped bottom for heaven’s sake what is that about? A cherry tomato, a Spanish tomato, a plum tomato, a fried green tomato at the whistle stop cafe?
 What complete nonsense and just as well I mean look at these daft geezers –  tomato grapplers at large in Spain at the annual tomato festival which from this day forward will be  known as bum festival.
Next downright insult to the female form is category 2. Potato bum. Yes the powers that be say that a lot of us have bums that look like a potato.  The “less fortunate” potato shape, suffered by 30% of women, is wide, long and lumpy.Cheeky. Ahem. Personally I think this potato looks like a bum not the other way round. And when we talked to our inhouse expert Mr Potato Head he was livid.
‘Are you saying I look like an arse?’ he said before stomping off in high dudgeon – I think he has a chip on his shoulder. And who can blame him.
The third category, the familiar and yet  insulting pear shaped bum remains in vogue.
”The pear shape is narrower at the top and almost twice the size at the fullest part of the behind’ Pear shape is something I have been called and to me it is tantamount to shouting  and pointing ‘hey you! You’ve got a big bahooky I’m looking for somewhere to park 
my bike. Any chance?’
So tomatos, tatties and pears  what’s the final one?
A nectarine. A nectarine overly red, with a big stone in the middle not something I would relish.
Asda say that a nectarine bum is “close to the cartoonesque derriere perfection of two bowling balls pushed together”. Two bowling balls pushed together?!  Have you ever picked up a bowling bowl, incredibly heavy and gulp it has  3 holes. No thank you.
The Wonderbum range was launched after a survey revealed that 85% of women worried about the size and shape of their bottoms. Only 85% !Well I am sure that will be up to 99% now. Am I a tomato? A potato? A pear? or a nectarine?

Asda say  “Women should celebrate their shapes this Christmas. We’ve designed a range of gorgeous party dresses to suit every shape and size.”  But if I can add if your backside in any resembles a bowling ball  like this one  call your Dr. forthwith.

If you feel you fit the fruity profile then the Wonderbum range features four dresses in sizes 8 to 20, priced from £20 – blooming good value never mind the rest of it. See you at the bar!


Writer & broadcaster.

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