Day 3 in the Big Brother House – Easter Holidays in Scotland

A Highland cottage - not our one, it's too dark & wet to see our one.

Day 3 in the Big Brother House. Trapped in a cottage in the Highlands of  Scotland. Its pouring with rain, it’s been pouring with rain for 3 days now. The road is like a river, the fields are like lochs, the lochs are like whirlpools and the river has burst it’s banks on both sides.

We have seen red squirrels, deer, wild pigs, a baby pig electrocuting itself on a fence (it’s fine), goats, a cow giving birth, 100’s of wooly boulders or sheep as they are most commonly known, wee hairy horses, kestrels, buzzards, curlews and an Osprey. That’s outside.

Inside the cottage we have 4 adults, 3 kids & 4 dogs with cabin fever.

Let me out!

Flora – half dog, half womble  has concussion. As the storm roared last night she made a valiant attempt to jump onto our bed. It is incredibly high so on attempt 1 she bounced back onto the floor. Attempt 2 she didn’t gain as much height and so cannoned off the hard, solid wood of the base of the bed. I  heard the dead drop of a mass of flesh and bones and honestly thought she had copped her whack. She lay there like a stone still until I picked her up and placed her on a rummled up pile of clothes where she lay still but breathing  until this morning.

So it’s mid-day, the big dogs are sitting staring at us, willing us to take them out for a walk. The 2 small ones can’t be bothered. Flora is sitting staring into space with a glazed expression, Plum the pup has curled onto my lap hoping to  sit completely still for the rest of the day. The wood burning stove is roaring and the Wii was  taken out  half an hour ago.  Tracy the other grown woman here has  just smashed the over head light with her over enthusiastic arm swing whilst trying to play Wii tennis. I am currently being hoovered as the shards of the light seem to have spread through the entire house including my hair.

Our Easter bulbs - thanks Tracy

I am gutted as were just ramping up to get stuck into the Marcus Wareing Chocolate brownies I made in anticipation of this very moment and had hidden for 3 days until they were at optimum stickiness. Lips licked I had just reached forward to get one to stuff into my face when Tracy walloped the light. After they finished me, they  hoovered the brownies but despite this, some health and safety type individuals in our midst think that eating light bulb shards would really put a dampner on things and they should be binned As if things weren’t damp enough. Lily livered, namby pamby nonsense if you ask me.Shards or not, this beauty is going down my gullet.

When no-one is looking I intend to get at least 2 out of the bin and eat them. I am a rider at the gates of dawn and I am taking no prisoners.

At least one of these little beauties is going down my throat shards or not.

We are re-enacting Iron Chef in here every night. 3 competitive cooks and 7 obsessed consumers.  The results of which I will post tomorrow if one of us hasn’t come a cropper with a sharp knife or a sliver of light bulb glass. Tempers are  frayed. So I’m off to marinate my venison ironically as the field outside is full of wet deer looking hungry, sad, cold and wet.  Let’s hope they don’t get a whiff of what’s in the pot for tonight or they may turn nasty. Dear dear deer.


Writer & broadcaster.

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