Alison’s Diary at The Oscars, exclusive with Clooney.

Spitting Baccy on stage - never a good look.

All the money in the world.
Jewellers scrambling over their mountains of precious stones to offer up priceless baubles for the glitteratti to hing round their toned, honed and fully made-up necks. On that basis perfection is what the baying public expect so what happened to this lot? It’s nae a  hoe down at Caesars Palace,  Hawick you know. Here’s Sandra, a close personal friend, dear  dear Sandy as I call her, clearly she  has a great sense of humour and she scrubbed up well  in this  lush frock but the old Bullock Blowhole or as we Aberdonians call it the fish wifies gub destroyed the vision and returned her in our eyes to mere mortal.

George! In desperate need of a Ronco Hair Trimmer

Now this next piece – a hair piece if you like – not in the wig sense of the word but in the ‘lordy as soon as a geezer feels happy and content in the arms of a gorgeous Italian supermodel he neglects his crowning glory and starts to turn from George Clooney wanton sex object  into George Hamilton V’. Sob. Check out the Long, lifeless hair – no not her!  Him! Our George (or Dod as I like to call him) has brushed his hair 100 times before bed like his Mum told him too and then  swept  it to the side.  Now with the help of state-of-the art technology

Dod in 6 months if he doesn't get a grip (a kirby grip)
We can confirm with time lapsed photography that this what that barnett will look like in 6 months. 

Now dry your eyes and let’s try to move on as happily there were other distractions there to keep our minds off the fact George is almost definately off the market – not cos of the new bird – but enough is enough we have standards you know.

Jake The Peg

J-Lo always looks fabulous and it is a well known fact that  in the past she has spent many hours concealing her quite chunky extra leg. However last night she received a rapturous round of applause when for the first time she publically acknowledged it  citing the fact her twins were aware of it and didn’t bat an eyelid when she wandered around in her bra and pants  so it seemed the opportune moment to stop the pretence of being a bi-ped and just get on with it.  Well good On you Jen!  Opening the floodgates for all other Hollywood Leg Ends to stand up and be counted we hope.

A laugh a minute this one
A laugh a minute this one.

So you’re blonde, gorgeous, floating into the Oscars in a beautiful gown. You’re line free, cellulite is something you’ve heard of but aren’t sure if it’s a face cream or a urinary infection. You have legs up to your neck, they are honed and firm, you have not a trace of facial hair or hormonal inbalance so why may I ask do you look so ******** miserable?  If Alison’s Diary had been young, firm, rich and lucky enough to there it  would have filled it’s handbag with freebies, half the buffet and gone round getting it’s photograph taken with every star in the place  (except George’s hair I’m afraid) whilst necking a bottle of champagne. So ! This little madam needs a reality check. Come to Govan for an afternoon dear then tell me you don’t live in a fantasy bubble of marvellousness.  Can’t be doing with that.

Oscar modelled on this young man
Oscar modelled on this young man with David Niven

Many people wonder who the Oscar was made in the  image of, well the answer was in 1972 when David Niven introduced live on stage during the ceremony the actual model for the statue, a Dundonian jute baron called Bill Gordon. As you can see a lively individual and worthy of such an accolade I am sure you will agree.

Quite like that geezer from the 70's actually.

Though on reflection he looks very like David Wilkie the Olympic swimmer and another well known Scot but not, as far as I am aware, a Jute Baron of note.

Ah well last but not least let’s finish on a high.
Wasn’t it great to see gorgeous non surgically enhanced Kathryn Bigelow collecting her Oscar for The Hurt Locker as her ex-husband James Cameron him of Avatar aka the blue faced meanies looked on with gritted teeth. 

Liz Hurley lookalike with her Mother Beryl

It was a joy to see her relatively small budget film (though I hear it is turgid)  kick his squillion dollar epic in the nads.

Allegedly later on  after a couple of snakebites, as you can see by the photo below,  he lost his self control and tried to chase her out of the building but rest easy he was apprehended by security before he could do any real damage.  Hey ho. Hooray for Hollywood.

I'll gie you Hurt Locker!


Writer & broadcaster.

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