Christmas calorie intake 6000 an hour.


Monday 28th

Today is officially declared a non drinking day as the strain my zips and buttons are under is frankly cruelty to flab. There is a party this afternoon but I ask for a soft drink. A derisory snort is made as I am handed a luke warm glass of water. To hell with that. Geeza drink! Am soon giving it ‘Chestnuts roasting round an open fire’ at the top of my lungs whilst harassing the piano player to play Last Christmas by Wham. When he does the whole party stops and gathers round giving it laldy which is when Dynamite bursts into the room wearing a red puffy ski jacket to re-enact the video. Excellent.


Up at the crack to get my abandoned car. Arrive at 8.30am to find a ticket, the wardens were on yesterday – can’t believe it. There goes my Christmas money on a parking fine. Not pleased. Some heading into the sales today not me. The combination of empty purse, parking ticket and hangover assures the dogs get a decent walk. Half way through ice station zebra aka the park Flora, half womble half haggis stops dead in her tracks. Her feet are like icicles, she has balls of snow round her fat wee legs and can go no further. Taking pity I hoist her like a sack of tatties over my shoulder and stomp home.


Going off dogs. By means of thanking me for carrying her from the icy hell of the park yesterday Half womble half haggis savages my christmas present from Dave, a wart hog. You can see in this picture before it’s early demise it had the evil eye which all the dogs have been growling at since I opened it. Now my little warthog is in a bin liner off to meet its maker. Flora is in the bad books and spends the day staring at me pathetically with an apologetic look in her eye. Spend the evening with Dave making a monster casserole for tomorrows shenanigans.


Oh God here we go again.Fiona having a party and everyone is taking something.We head off carrying the giant casserole between us trying to walk smoothly.. I told you to put clingfilm on it I screech as my party coat is splooshed with gravy. I did he said taking off the lid revealing a huge ball of plastic in the middle of the stew. Very appetising. Despite it’s drainage problems it is wolfed down as people scramble for a hot lining before trudging up to Princes Street to see Madness. What a fabulous night! All walk back to Fiona in Madness style and carry on.


Home at 5am. Awake at 8am what’s that about? Age? Drink? Can’ sleep so get up, glug a resolve and wrap up to take Flora the evil warthog eater and her friend out for a stumble round the park. Exchange Happy New Years with a few people. Spot one guy obviously just home,steaming and trying in vain to fit the key into his front door. Ask if I can help and open the door for him. You’ve saved my life he slurs at me dramatically you’ve saved my life. Hardly I say modestly it was nothing. No he says honestly you have I’m absolutely dying for a s***e .Happy New Year.


Off to Murrayfield to watch Edinburgh V Glasgow. Round to pals Charles who live round the corner and always get descended on. As time goes on the boys head off wrapped up against the elements, soon after that the men follow on. The women? Well after a quick look outside we decide on one for the road and then as we snuggle up in front of the roaring fire gossiping wildly someone says what we were all thinking. Shall we just stay here? Deal done we turn on the telly ignore the match and have a lovely time for Monday the hell of new year new regime and reality kicks in big time. Yeuch.


Writer & broadcaster.

Related Posts

Read also x