Burns Night Column



After a rare weekend of temperance wake feeling human. Feeling quite chipper until I turn on the radio to hear this is officially the most depressing day of the year.

Proof that the most depressing day can overcome botox

 Nonsense. I get on with it then by teatime I must have heard ‘well of course this is officially the most depressing day of the year, the day our new years resolutions go to pot and the debt of xmas comes home to roost’ about 10 times. Well thanks media, from chipper to big dipper, I have been brainwashed by the doom and gloom merchants I’m now drooping around in a state of deep depression.


Mum coming up to stay for a few days. She took the plunge and bought a laptop It took me 45 minutes to explain how to click her mouse so it would be fair to say progress has been slow. Take your laptop up with you when you come I said. She duly arrives dragging a huge box. Whats that? My laptop she answers. I nod and calmly open the bag. Yes there is her laptop and with it more unexpectedly the modem, the cables and just for good measure the phone.

With two friends & a local transvestite watching Sex In The City on laptops

Mum. Well I thought you needed it all to work no matter where you are. Sometimes, against all odds I just don’t say a word.


Morning! Laptops are a non subject after an hour of showing mum how to send an e mail singular. Gnash. The renamed b****y laptop was unplugged and ceremoniously dumped by the front door where it will stay. Off to The Sound of Music tonight, starring Connie the winner from the TV show, what a brilliant production. The evening almost spoilt in the car on the way as I start singing a medley of the songs including’ My favourite things’ and of course ‘How to We solve a Problem like the laptop?’ She sees the funny side and we go out and have a fabulous night! Wonderful and uplifting – if you can go.


Come in to find Dave slumped on couch laughing like a drain. Excellent a cheerful face. Look at this he hoots flapping a page of the local paper at me. What is it? It’s the Lonely Heart column he squawks reading it out ‘fit 48 year old male would like to meet busty woman for fun and romance, no timewasters’. No timewasters! He guffaws. Dave what were you doing reading the lonely hearts column, have you got news for me? No he japes I put the ad in I’m still waiting for you to answer it. Ho ho ho. Alongside it is an ad which reads Help! Boyfriend needed for family weekend. Send that to pal in Aberdeen. He should go for it.


In Aberdeen doing the Reply On behalf Of The Lassies at a Burns Supper in aid of   Hearts & Balls, Ian Maclauchlin aka Mighty Mouse ex Scottish internationalist is the organiser of the event and there are over 200 people in attendance. Yesterday talking to a pal I mention the fact that in the company will be 75 single men. My friend, who shall remain nameless, stopped dead, grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed her face into mine. I’m sorry she said what did you just say?

This is where all the single geezers are apparently

Eh oh you mean the 75 single men. YES How much are the tickets ?


So the three of us travelled up North together. There is another single gal pal in Aberdeen joining the happy throng, Dave and his 3 bitches. The girls are buffed and polished, the geezers scrub up well and a great night was had by all This morning Dry. As expected. I aye get nervous at these things, don’t drink a drop before I speak and then guzzle loads. Late night, bad dancing, chat chat chatting to everyone. Left my girlfriends happy in the company of the 75 single men, wander briefly if any of them had an ad seeking ‘busty woman for fun and romance ‘ but whether they did or not that’s what the lucky blighters got.


Writer & broadcaster.

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