Empty nester.

IMG_4462 (1)Our son left home last year to go to University.

The Empty nest syndrome is something I see all around. Sad eyed middle aged women getting up like clockwork to put out the endless boxes of cereal to feed the ones who have left. Our body clocks pinging at 4pm and the Pavlovs dogs reaction of shovelling a half hundred weight of biscuits onto plates and producing gallons of juice and milk for the hoards to drink when they descend on the house at 4.30pm on their ways home. Only there are no hoards now. All those muddy kneed rugby playing school boy/men are away. Away to begin their lives without so much as a by your leave for the entrenched routines that having given birth to and brought up a child has riven into the homes and lives which they inhabited. The silence. The tidiness. The thrum of music through the wall from his room replace by the ticking of the kitchen clock. The fridge which remains full and the milk which is still bought in gallons going off.

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Until this very moment you have had not a second to think about it as the toddling becomes totting into school turns to hormones turns to teenage battles turns to exams and then to – well this – the point. To bring up a responsible member of society who can clean his teeth, brush his hair, and be independent. This is a success. This was your job. OK its not full redundancy maybe a fairer term would be voluntary redundancy. It is a new beginning for them so why not you?

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So with that in mind I am slinging my bag over my shoulder, grabbing my sausage dog and am off.  Muffin top, hormonal rollercoaster, bouts of dieting, bouts of drinking, bouts of regret, bouts of hysteria, eruptions of spots, despair, creativity, dunderheidedness, insomnia, grumpiness all accompanied by increasing hairiness in strange places – why the inside of my nose is now tufting up is not something I am either proud of or delighted about – and that’s just the half of it, said the bearded slack jawed lady. Still look on the bright side….at least when Santa retires I might be a shoe-in for the big job.

With car, sausage dog and passport am off. Will report back.

 

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Hello! Today is the day to meet Teenwolf and the Mongrels !

Living with Teenwolf – a joy for a mother to behold. I’ve written about him so many times I felt it was time to share a peek at the reality. Put it this way Kevin the teenager is no longer a comedy it is a documentary of our life. Proof is in this pudding.
Then of course I have to fess up I am not a perfect mother. I know, I know it’s a shocking admission call the police, but it’s true.

But I do get it together to feed the beasts – and no I’m not talking about Dave and Teenwolf but the hounds of the baskervilles, our two that’s  Sam our nice but dim labrador and Flora half dog half womble who are joined on this occasion by my Mothers big hairy nelly dog called well…eh..Nelly actually. By the way I am not housewife of the year but the reason there is newspaper on the floor is because we finally had to defrost the freezer as it was frozen shut it’s not usually quite so Wayne and Waynetta Slob – honest.

Of course the combination of teenagers, animals and a typical Scottish bloke husband does mean that occasionally under duress I am forced to drink wine  the consequences of which become more dire as time goes on. Gone are the days of leaping forth in a fragrant fashion to face the day after a a wild night and a few hours sleep. No sadly the morning after the day before now means many hours of shuffling around regretting the 3rd glass and wondering how on earth to start feeling human again. After the usual suspects a banana, a berocca, a yoghurt , a vat of water, a pint of coffee, some paracetamol and a full cooked haven’t worked there is nothing left for it but to go for a lie down which is exactly what I was doing when Dave snuck up with the camera and caught me at as you can see here.

Typical he can work my new video camera but he can’t set the video when I want the latest episode of how To Look Good Naked. So from The Sunday Mail, a flat one dimensional page to a confessional box as this is turning into. Technology is a strange thing.

From day-to-day on this here blog I have been spouting lots of stuff – its great being able to be so proactive  from being restricted to just a Sunday I have been running amock – is that how you spell amock?  So if my pal Fiona finding the best buy in an antique shop  near Callander , a nitwit trying to flog utility kilts and sex education for the deranged 1950’s housewife are of interest either scroll on down this page – it goes on for ages – or click on ‘Day to Day’ tab at the top of this page and have a look. Alternatively….come back any day you have a moment. Coming up over the next few days I will introduce Matthew, a  B&B proprietor from Kilmelfort who may well steal Keith Floyds crown as he produces a delicious chocolate pud with the help of a quantity of wine oh and me, his very able (to drink) assistant in fact here’s a photo to whet yer whistle…

Matthew fabulous Kilmelfort cook at home swigging wine & handling fondants. Form an orderly queue.

Get yer pen and paper ready for next time though as the pud he creates will hit all the right spots as well as possibly giving you one or two – but hey it’s worth it!

Don’t forget to subscribe to this on the right hand side by filling inyour e mail address  yup – it’s a free bottle fo champagne every week at stake – you’d be mad to miss it. Til next time! Have fun!   Alison x

BBC Children In Need

  Monday

Just found out us jailbirds raised £71,000 in two hours for BBC’s Children In Need on November 20th. Locked in jail with (pictured left to right) John Quigley, Shaf Azul, Fiona Best, Janis Sue Smith, and Neil Butler. We bashed the phones like lunatics calling everyone we had ever met and even some we hadn’t. The lovely Shaf had a selection of billionaires on speed dial which helped. But every pound that was raised whether it was from John Quigleys Aunt, my sons pocket money of a fiver or Will Whitehorn from Virgin Galactic who donated £4k every penny went towards a brilliant cause! As we climbed onto the stage to announce our total to Nicky Campbell & Jackie Bird the morning cell mates were there looking very pleased, they had raised £31k which was great too just not as great as us!

 Tuesday

Tracys daughter Prue isn’t speaking to her. Apparently her Pudsey costume looked less like a bear with an eye patch and more like a squirrel with conjunctivitis. She soon cheered up when she heard our friend Gina’s daughter isn’t speaking to her either. Why? She had overdone the wine at a girls night, come home, felt awful and was on her knees in with her head in the pan when the seat came down and walloped her on the nozzle. I then roll up the leg of my jeans and show her my black and blue knee which I got falling off my 6” heels on Friday night – thankfully not on live telly but I would like to say thank you to the gent who hoisted me back up onto my 6 inchers and made sure I was steady again before letting me go. Even with no booze at all I fall about like Rab C. is it an age thing?

Wednesday

Radio Forth Awards. The ceremony is held to raise money for the Radio Forth charity, Cash for Kids. Live acts were amazing including Sugababes all new line-up of Heidi, Amelle and Jade. I presented the award for best performance to The Noisettes who illustrated why the won it with their brilliant set. Comedian Adam Hills and Dionne Bromfield, the 13 year old god daughter of Amy Winehouse performed too and Tollcross Fire Station picked up the Local Hero Award (in memory of their colleague Euan Williamson).

Contribution to Music Award went to Spandau Ballet. When they burst onto stage there was a near riot as everyone jumped to their feet. Spot the fan. Tony Hadley’s voice was fabulous though clearly he has as much luck with weight loss as I do. Martin Kemp looked a little afraid as the girls stared blatantly. Great do. Great day. Well done organised Richie Jeffrey – Harvey Goldsmith watch your back!

Thursday

BBC Radio doing a loose women format every morning this week. I joined in today testing out my new home studio which was a joy. Instead of sitting on the M8 for hours I shuffled upstairs to the sound proof cupboard -sorry studio – and broadcast live from there in my dressing gown for an hour and a half. Christopher Biggins was on talking about Rocky Horror Show but of course we got on to Jordan aka Katie Price aka The publicity seeking missile or should I say missiles. The consensus was her plan to ingratiate herself with the British public has gone sadly awry and she should have battened down the hatches and looked after her kids in the glare of all her negative publicity not flown to Oz, dropped her drawers and showed off her silicone enhancements whilst eating a selection of bugs. Colin and Justin to win – I think one of them will. They are a credit to us in there mediating, smiling and being very funny. Come on boys!

Friday

Meet pal John Hamilton, Age 80,just back from a few days break in a Amsterdam. He enjoys the occasional fag so got a packet and went off into a bar for drink where he was told it’s the same as here now no smoking. Meandering around he spotted a coffee shop full of people smoking spliffs and eating hash cake. In he went, ordered a coffee and lit up a fag. Within seconds the women behind the bar grabbed him, you can’t smoke that in here she squawked horrified. What ? He said pointing at the dozen or so stone heads all puffing away on their joints. “But they’re all smoking!’. Ah yes but you are not allowed to smoke tobacco she admonished it’s illegal He laughed thinking she was joking but realised she wasn’t as he was led out out onto the street , fag free and confused. Who’d have thunk it?

Saturday

Up at the crack to make coffees at the school rugby. To be honest it’s an excuse not to watch the match these days. The kids have suddenly grown into hairy men. One of the opposition at the age of 14/15 had a full beard! Really! When I clocked him I thought he was a parent. Unable to watch clash of The Titans I preferred to pour coffee, tea and eat biscuits. The second we get back afterwards Campbell and Dave head out for lunch. Remember Fiona’s coming round later I shout as the door closes behind them. Cut to 7pm David overly loud and pretending he hasn’t had a bevy at lunchtime is whizzing round the kitchen cooking. He makes a lovely meal but dirties every dish in the house during the process. We eat hot smoked salmon then double cream potato dauphinoise, venison, roasted parsnips, and a vat of ice cream. Either he should go out drinking at lunchtime more often or he should get back into the restaurant business.

Monday

Just found out us jailbirds raised £71,000 in two hours for BBC’s Children In Need on November 20th. Locked in jail with (pictured left to right) John Quigley, Shaf Azul, Fiona Best, Janis Sue Smith, and Neil Butler. We bashed the phones like lunatics calling everyone we had ever met and even some we hadn’t. The lovely Shaf had a selection of billionaires on speed dial which helped. But every pound that was raised whether it was from John Quigleys Aunt, my sons pocket money of a fiver or Will Whitehorn from Virgin Galactic who donated £4k every penny went towards a brilliant cause! As we climbed onto the stage to announce our total to Nicky Campbell & Jackie Bird the morning cell mates were there looking very pleased, they had raised £31k which was great too just not as great as us!

Tuesday

Tracys daughter Pru isn’t speaking to her. Apparently her Pudsey costume looked less like a bear with an eye patch and more like a squirrel with conjunctivitis. She soon cheered up when she heard our friend Gina’s daughter isn’t speaking to her either. Why? She had overdone the wine at a girls night, come home, felt awful and was on her knees in with her head in the pan when the seat came down and walloped her on the nozzle. I then roll up the leg of my jeans and show her my black and blue knee which I got falling off my 6” heels on Friday night – thankfully not on live telly but I would like to say thank you to the gent who hoisted me back up onto my 6 inchers and made sure I was steady again before letting me go. Even with no booze at all I fall about like Rab C. is it an age thing?

Wednesday

Radio Forth Awards. The ceremony is held to raise money for the Radio Forth charity, Cash for Kids. Live acts were amazing including Sugababes all new line-up of Heidi, Amelle and Jade. I presented the award for best performance to The Noisettes who illustrated why the won it with their brilliant set. Comedian Adam Hills and Dionne Bromfield, the 13 year old god daughter of Amy Winehouse performed too and Tollcross Fire Station picked up the Local Hero Award (in memory of their colleague Euan Williamson).

Contribution to Music Award went to Spandau Ballet. When they burst onto stage there was a near riot as everyone jumped to their feet. Spot the fan. Tony Hadley’s voice was fabulous though clearly he has as much luck with weight loss as I do. Martin Kemp looked a little afraid as the girls stared blatantly. Great do. Great day. Well done organised Richie Jeffrey – Harvey Goldsmith watch your back!

Thursday

BBC Radio doing a loose women format every morning this week. I joined in today testing out my new home studio which was a joy. Instead of sitting on the M8 for hours I shuffled upstairs to the sound proof cupboard -sorry studio – and broadcast live from there in my dressing gown for an hour and a half. Christopher Biggins was on talking about Rocky Horror Show but of course we got on to Jordan aka Katie Price aka The publicity seeking missile or should I say missiles. The consensus was her plan to ingratiate herself with the British public has gone sadly awry and she should have battened down the hatches and looked after her kids in the glare of all her negative publicity not flown to Oz, dropped her drawers and showed off her silicone enhancements whilst eating a selection of bugs. Colin and Justin to win – I think one of them will. They are a credit to us in there mediating, smiling and being very funny. Come on boys!

Friday

Meet pal John Hamilton, Age 80,just back from a few days break in a Amsterdam. He enjoys the occasional fag so got a packet and went off into a bar for drink where he was told it’s the same as here now no smoking. Meandering around he spotted a coffee shop full of people smoking spliffs and eating hash cake. In he went, ordered a coffee and lit up a fag. Within seconds the women behind the bar grabbed him, you can’t smoke that in here she squawked horrified. What ? He said pointing at the dozen or so stone heads all puffing away on their joints. “But they’re all smoking!’. Ah yes but you are not allowed to smoke tobacco she admonished it’s illegal He laughed thinking she was joking but realised she wasn’t as he was led out out onto the street , fag free and confused. Who’d have thunk it?

Saturday

Up at the crack to make coffees at the school rugby. To be honest it’s an excuse not to watch the match these days. The kids have suddenly grown into hairy men. One of the opposition at the age of 14/15 had a full beard! Really! When I clocked him I thought he was a parent. Unable to watch clash of The Titans I preferred to pour coffee, tea and eat biscuits. The second we get back afterwards Campbell and Dave head out for lunch. Remember Fiona’s coming round later I shout as the door closes behind them. Cut to 7pm David overly loud and pretending he hasn’t had a bevy at lunchtime is whizzing round the kitchen cooking. He makes a lovely meal but dirties every dish in the house during the process. We eat hot smoked salmon then double cream potato dauphinoise, venison, roasted parsnips, and a vat of ice cream. Either he should go out drinking at lunchtime more often or he should get back into the restaurant business.