X Factor goes from packing a punch to a backside licking bunch.

Maybe he's nice so he doesn't draw attention to this thumb. Argh!

OK I am onto Cowell and his dirty tricks now. I taped the X factor and sadly got myself all geared up, with hangover attachment, to slump on the sofa and watch it on Sunday.

For the first time in the history of the program I found I was losing interest. Oh My God.  Had I developed a fever? Was I sickening for something? Had I suddenly grown up? Well no to all 3 of the above.

It  just suddenly dawned on me Simon, Louis , Cheryl and Danni are just being gushingly nice about everyone now. Every artist or group is getting the thumbs up! The ‘yup that’s a hit record’, ‘I think we’ve found ourselves a new superstar!’ ‘That is what I call a great recording voice’.

Judging on the criteria of past years how on earth did the following get through?

Remind you of anyone?

Diva Fever !  aka  talent free Wham jump-a-likes.

Demis or Wagner

And Wagner??Argh. At least he has answered the question long on my lips – whatever happened to Demis Roussos?

The rumour is that him and the fabulous Mary are developing a mutual crush in which case keep him in – to keep her happy but not as a serious recording artist.

Storm Lee – originally from Edinburgh -I should love him for that alone but I don’t and it is nothing personal it’s just that if his big break hasn’t happened yet,   it just isn’t going to and to continue to lead him along this fruitless path is just cruel.

Simons power and celebrity has come from the fact, despite others pussy footing around,  he would always used to stand up to be counted and say ‘that was awful go home and get on with your life ‘.

But now he is as innocuous as the others all smiles, applause and empty praise.

The reason?

Well it’s the downloads innit? No-one is going to download a song from a person Cowell says is a bleedin’ disaster and the more he encourages the useless and sad the more downloads will come his way and at 99p a download it is just another cynical way to bolster his coffers..

Loadsa Money or Simon Cowell?

He is not standing up to be counted. He is too busy counting his money.

If there ever was an integrity to The X Factor or more specifically Simon Cowell it was that he called a spade a spade. Those days are gone and with it , I predict a large percentage of the X Factor audience.

We may be daft but we’re not that daft.

Said my piece off to google Stricly Come Dancing. Is it too late to switch? I hope not.

Simon Cowell told ‘It’s over’.

Higher Higher!

It’s all over between Simon Cowell and I.

I forgave him his high trousered nonsense.

His obviously waxed ‘top of the chest into the neck’ area.

The aviator specs that were just a tad too reminiscent of Tom Cruise in Top Gun.

I can see your house from here

Even his insistence in hanging out with Sinitta – beautiful, yet talentless woman who, as far as I can recall ,only ever had one hit and it was called Big Red GTO. GTO? Suggestions please?

Gutwrenching Toe-curling Offal?

Anyhew…..as I watched the X factor unfurl on Saturday night pinned to the lounge carpet with a bag of crisps and a glass – nae bottle – of wine. It

A good baddie. As opposed to a bad goodie.

was like going to The Kings Theatre to see Grant Stott as the baddie in the Panto. I ended up shouting Sssssssssssssssssssssssssss! Everytime Simon came on screen.

It was just too damn obvious.

First, each category booted out someone who should have stayed in.

If you are a man here's a tip. If you walk around like this you look like a pillock.

Second the music rose to a crescendo as the damaged and near skeletal girls sobbed as the pressure of the whole thing became too much. I mean how could that be? After all one of them was 16 years old and all of 7 stone – pull yourself together? Em no go home, have a meal, a hot bath, read a book and lead your life. It is too disfunctional to face. I felt myself reaching for the remote.

So today it’s reported Gamu and her family are to be refused their visa and will have to leave the country. Simon protects himself and his show so much do you not think he knew there was a question over the visa? Nothing is left to chance when it comes to the power of that show. I know my Aunt had to sign reams of paper and all she did was audition for Britains Got Talent. (no she is not in Flawless)

So when, not if, one of these wee souls has a breakdown or worse, to even watch it at this stage made me feel like a co-conspirator. An exploitative baddie.

So the papers are full of ‘the twist’. It’s no twist it is just twisted. Planned and executed perfectly to be talked

Simon bravely dealing with Cheryl's wind. So she's not perfect.

about, covered in the newspapers, on radio, on television and yup folk like me on blogs. It worked he has done it again. Hookwinked the lot of us. But, and I know he will find it hard to go on after I drop this bombshell. It is over between us. I cannot respect a man who has so little respect for these misguided, impressionable youngsters. Sorry Simon. The invitation to come for Christmas is resinded. I am off to see a good baddie  – Grant Stott the nicest baddie in town.

X-rated X factor

Mad Auntie Sinitta is allowed to see her patient friend Simon

Gird your loins tonight as Sinitta pitches up in the X factor – dressed like this! Oh yes grown woman of a certain age pitches up dressed like a porn starship trooper. Why?

Is it the ‘I’m only on telly once a year I might as well be naked and thus try and get the attention of the lads mags for a photo shoot or some unwanted attention from some grunting saddos slumped on couches through out the land’ syndrome?’

Don’t get it myself. It is 2010 Sinitta not 1968. There is no excuse for dressing like a 2 bit hooker and trying to get more attention on you than any of the so called hopefuls you are trying to help/mentor. Ok so she has an amazing figure but she cheapens herself beyond belief wandering around like that. I mean look! There’s Simon in his jeans and t shirt and next to him yon lassie who looks  like she has fallen off a lorry at the Rio Carnival. Mentor my foot. If that is a role model I am a monkeys uncle.

Not what I'd call a bag of spanners

Of course I will be watching tonight. How could I not. More to follow……oh  and as requested and promised a photo for the girls….

I am waiting for the postie who should have my new fitflop boots in his bag – too excited…….

Cat fight Ahoy! X Factor news to fill you heart with joy.

Hypocrite is a word that I am prepared to have bandied around at me as I make it quite clear how much I hate Big Brother 134 – last night when the latest yawningly long series came to it’s undoubtedly hysterical conclusion I raised a glass of absinthe and thought. Thank **** for that. Too many hours on terrestrial TV taken up with the sort of scenes you can witness up Lothian Road on a Saturday night. The young self-obsessed wannabes in an enclosure for the bored public to gaze upon. Next year just round them up, stuff them in a horse box and take them round the shows. The Highland Show Big Brother tent – animals with two legs.

So here comes the hypocrisy. I love the X factor. On Saturday night as I was out having a life my inner self wanted to rush home and watch the first episode but I held off knowing the moment when I could lie on the couch,with remote revelling in the X Factor and all it’s glory would be mine for the taking. Seeing what Cheryl is wearing, finding Simon strangely attractive and wondering when Louis is going to come out, as a Leprechaun is golden time. Add to that the ability to fast forward through the ads * which allows the  momentum of bitchery and camp emotion to rise to a crescendo.

So the rumour Sharon Osbourne is coming back as Louis’s helper to decide who goes through to his boot camp fills me with joy. I love her. I love her candour, her surgically enhanced smile, her wit and the fact she will make Louis seem like a Primary 1 child who needs to go to the loo but is afraid to put his hand up and ask the teacher so chooses to wet his pants instead will make it must see TV.

Add to that the fact when being interviewed on Piers Morgan’s chat show if she and Danni hate each other – the ill disguised answer was YES. More under currents of bitchery and back stage disgruntlement ahoy.

Mind you Sharon don’t piss Cheryl off – she was done for allegedly whapping some woman with her handbag years ago – in fact she looked like she might give Geri Halliwell the benefit of her handbag on Saturday night when she wouldn’t shut up, God she just went on and on and on and on …..Cheryl and Sharon cut from the same cloth I reckon this is gonna be great.

Saturday nights alright for fighting not just a song, a way of life. Bring it on.

(*stats today show over 80% of viewers don’t watch the ads – if you see a white faced troll wandering aimlessly it will the boss of the local ad agency – this is not good news for the industry – they should advertise on blogs like this one then shouldn’t they?)

Golf widow plans naked horror show.

Sat outside Cent Otre on Edinburgh’s George Street all afternoon yesterday and got a burnt face. Spent the previous days mumping and moaning about how awful the weather was so the second there is a glint of light from above pal we find a bar and  sit outside  with unprotected face upturned to the flaming ball in the sky. Fool. I now look like someone has forced my head under a hot sizzling grill and held it there for half an hour. So now comes  the unplanned exfoliation which is already begining to happen. Shards and flaps of face are coming off.

We share a similar attitude to sunbathing I suspect.

‘Yeuch’ was all Teenwolf managed to utter as he came sloping in the door having grown another 3 inches  over night.

He is now making me feel like an Oompah Loompah towering over me with his long legs and disdainful air. He pats me on the head and calls me Frodo. How much do you think I would get for him on Ebay?

His feet are now bigger than the long suffering husband’s (lsh) (size 11)which means we are yet again on the hunt for the cheap shoe shop that does massive foot coverings. I am currently going through all the Henderson’s in the phonebook to see if I can find Bigfoot. I know he lives with one of them and I’m optomistic if he can’t point us in the right direction we might at least get a cast off.

Approx size of teenwolf's foot.

Off to slather myself in moisturiser and wander the streets cos I ain’t sitting through 6 hours of USA Masters golf for anyone or any amount of money. Maybe I ‘ll just wrap up in some black sacking & wander up to The Royal Mile to scare tourists with this crinkle cut chip face and pretend to be a scabby old ghost or more realistically rent myself out to landlords at closing time.

I could clear a bar in 35 seconds by wearing a bikini but I reckon I could get it down to 25 seconds by  showing up with this face. If  I  did both at the same time everyone might just drop down dead. Too much I know too much.