Teenwolf is in Zante – NOW


UnknownHe packed his case 6 hours before he left. He was leaving at 4am so it was just before he fell into a slump.

After he had put in 3 vests, 2 pairs of shorts and some aftershave ( vital obviously)  I stuffed in half a loo roll, some dried apricots, white kit kats, and a medical supply box that would impress  Dr Quinn Medicine Woman.

imagesWipes, bits, stuff for allergies, rehydrators, paracetamol, plasters, mosquito spray.

I recall his first trip away when he was 7 he came back with his toilet bag unopened. Perfect clean folded facecloth, pristine unused soap, toothbrush missing. All clothes folded, and clean – he hadn’t changed his clothes at all.

Yup he left for Zante on Thursday. What I didn’t realise was they were leaving from Glasgow at  6am so had to get there for 4. Herding cats is an over used expression but 16  x 17 & 18 year old boys going off to Zante for the 1st  time free of guidance, nagging, money and bossing of parents is a real cat herding exercise. No shit.

 

Taking a deep breath and determined to give him his space. I have resisted texting. In return every 2 days I get a two work text from Zante boy.
I am happy. This proves many things.

 

  1. He realises I am a neurotic old bat
  2. He is coherent enough to text
  3. He has the foresight to charge his mobile
  4. He notices he is not here.

The brief  communications have been as follows.
Day 1. Arrived safe.

Day 2 NOTHING

Day 3 Apartment dodgy

Day 4 Nothing

Day 5 Need decent food.

 

Of course I have tried cajoling him. What are you eating? How hot is it? And just before I press send I think. Woah. Stop. Being the stalking woman it is not a good look. So I have refrained.

As I sat tucked up on the couch getting over the 2 week stay of our pals from Australia I flicked through the TV idly. And what did I find?

Inbetweeners Movie.
3 minutes in in I recalled the strict instructions from those who know

‘DO NOT under any cicrcumstances watch the Inbetweeners Movie.’

Too late.

Palpitations.

More insomnia – if you wonder if you  can actually have more insomnia and less sleep. I am (zombie like) living proof you can.

The joys of parenthood.

Oh and take it from me. If you are a parent. Do not watch the Inbetweeners Movie. Ever.

If you’re not though do it’s funny as hell.

What is French for scrum? Ask Teenwolf.

Oh dear he has started reading this - about him!

Well he’s only gone and done it. The one who I accuse of doing nothing and a lot of it has gone off and started his own blog. Well he has bagged up a page whether or not he actually gets round to doing anything is another thing altogether.

Not only that but he has started reading the book I wrote about him — The Nappy Years. Oh dear. This is going to blow a few myths out of the water. So distraction techniques are on the cards.

Shall I provoke a reaction?
Well breathing seems to do that to be honest. So how about this.

 

Lying on the dining table I found his usual pile of paper, books, files, CD’s, scraps of paper, pens etc. and there on top was a piece of paper with the title French Essay. Good on him I thought as I shoved everything into a heap to liberate one end of the table. And then I took a closer look.

Then at the bottom of the essay I saw this….(you may need to double click to see this clearly).

I rest my case....or ma valise

 

Yes, the staring at the paper he had been doing was nothing to do with French – he was studying this – a rugby move. The priority above all. The most important thing in the world. Apparently.

Now let’s see if he answers back.

 

Well he will if he puts down that damn book.

Rugby scrum in our house as Tom Evans announces he won’t play again..

I have a 15 year old son so mad about rugby it is hard to explain. He thinks about it all the time, plays it at every given opportunity, is out with his oval ball kicking and throwing on his own late into the day and when the weather drives him inside he watches it on the telly. Current matches, old matches absorbing everything and even reading Johnny Wilkinsons autobiography – and this from a boy that is unlikely to pick up a book unless I glue it to his hands. So here is the situation.

Teenwolf was born in November which means come the academic year although still only 15 he will be deemed too old to play in the under 16 rugby squad. The alternative?  The under 18’s. Now the under 18’s have a vast array of players there but let’s be honest a lot of them are essentially grown men. Big, hairy and developed and when I say BIG we are talking about man mountains here. So as a parent I have been asked, by teenwolf, to sign a consent form that he can be considered to play for the under 18s. Now if I had given birth to Conan the Barbarian I wouldn’t hesitate but Louis is growing now. He is 5′ 9″ has just hit 11 stone and he would be mashed into an unrecognisable pulp were he faced with some of these brick outhouse built guys. So what do I do? My instinct is say no. The anticipation of whch has already plunged him into despair and cast a cloud of doom over our home. If I can’t play rugby for a year and a half he says I don’t know what I’ll do.

Neither do I.
But having worked with Hearts & Balls – the rugby charity for chronically injured players and Spinal Injuries Scotland my belief is there is no rush. Wait.  If you were to get injured now then your future will be changed forever. You will be big and strong enough to take on the might of the scary big players soon just not yet and the price you may pay is higher than you will ever know.

Now you can see why he wants to strangle me.

FYI below link to  The Scotsmans, Tom Evans story

http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/sport/Spine-injury-forces-Tom-Evans.6393708.jp

Alisons Diary Week Ending March 20th -ye old format.

New headshot. Me not Mary Whitehouse

Monday

Sat in the middle of the city on my laptop trying to connect to Btfon. This is a new fangled – yes I sound 100 – well I’m not far off it – way of connecting to the internet no matter where you are. This worries me of course. Does that mean no matter where we are, where we live, where we walk, shop, or lie down and rest when exhausted, that the buzzy antennae of all things mobile are drilling into our heads? I know I am beginning to sound like Mary Whitehouse but I do worry about these things. It can’t be good for us can it? If you can connect a phone or a computer through the air in which we sit on a day to day basis does that mean we will all eventually just glow in the dark? Possible. Of course there’s money involved so they will never come clean at least not until we’re all deranged and unable to remember who we are, who they are or what we were objecting to in the first place.

Tuesday

Potarch Hotels Dinnie Stones. Worldwide Strongman challenge. Dare you.

‘Hi Dugan how are you?’

‘Fine. I’ve got to go though– we’ll talk later.!’

Larf! He sounds like a 25 year old business man! Anyway with scuffed knees and a cheesy grin he sped off into the gloamin’ as Prue sat down with Tracy and I chewed the cud – the cud being 4 hobnobs each before heading off to The Potarch Hotel for a bar supper. The hotel has a huge history and is world famous for the dinnie stones. I don’t understand why they don’t really bump their gums about the fact Strongmen the world over try and fail to lift the stones that sit at the entrance of the hotel But hey ho it’s up to them. What you will find is open fires, cosy toes and a table full of Scandinavian fishermen. I know a few of my pals would have been over there in a shot asking if they had caught a whopper or not with all the innuendo that goes with it but nae Tracy and me. Naw we’re more interested in the food and the gossip. Tried to lift the a dinnie stone each on the way out. Not a chance. Went home and rolled around on the couch with her dog Plum. Have a look if your hormones can it http://alisonsdiary.com/2010/03/19/a-remarkable-feat-starring-plum-the-bravest-dog-in-the-world/

Wednesday

Turkish delight, Nargile, Aberdeen

Off to see my Auntie M today’s, she 80 and looking fantastic. We head to Nargile, a Turkish restaurant that used to be called the Rendezvous Cafe in Aberdeens Forest Avenue.  The Rendezvous was where I spent most of my school days. Avoiding school at all costs. At least til the proprietor Mr Guillanotti chucked us out. Who could blame him, we used to order 1 buttery and 4 glasses of water and sit there for days. We did the same today Margaret and I. Sat for hours not ordering 1 buttery between us. No today it was delicious Turkish food, mezze then flat bread with lamb and strong, fabulous coffee.

Thursday. Yesterday as we left Nargile I glanced at the Antique Shop Across the road, spotted the owner, turned my head and started jogging in the opposite direction. When Auntie M caught me up, about half an hour later, I confessed that when I was a vile teen wolfess my school bag got hurled through the huge plate glass window of the shop by someone else and smashed it. God the same guy still  owns it and seeing him again, it felt like yesterday I was chased down the road inadvertently displaying my only genuine promise of becoming an olympic athlete .

Me trying to retrieve school bag to no avail.

To recreate a furious antique dealer nipping at my heels everytime I was to race was deemed improbable so I took the other path from Olympic Athleticism  – Sloth.

Friday

Got myself a very grown up voice over agent, Louise Donald at Hamilton Hodell in London. You can see her stable of voices are seriously good – then there’s me! No, but seriously folks she has taken me on which is great news and a very positive direction to be going in at this stage in the game. I expect now I shall gargle with TCP and be quiet a lot whilst my voice rests – Dave’s ears prick up at the idea of me being quiet on a regular basis. Of course there is no earthly way this will happen. If I’m not talking I’m eating, drinking or sleeping but I am usually talking.

Saturday

Very attractive rugby player - not a cauliflour ear in sight

End of the rugby season. My teen wolf arrives back with scratches up his arms, bruises and cuts on his legs but he is conscious and unborken.  The collective sigh of other mothers that the season to be bashed, slashed, crunched and brought down is over for another year is audible all over the country.  Teenwolf’s face is tripping him. What’s wrong? You Won! ‘Yeh but it’s the end of the season’ he mumbles, bereft. Halleluiah I think , but am not stupid enough to say it out loud though I couldn’t stop the grin spreading over my face. Och well next year will come soon enough, I say hoping against all odds that by then he might take up knitting (Oh God the needles) or swimming. ‘Next Year!’ he spits incredulous ‘It’s not a year Mum it’s only about 4 months before we start training again ‘ he says cheering himself up and bursting my bubble. I consider lying in the foetal position on the floor. This mother hood does it ever get any easier?

BBC Children In Need

  Monday

Just found out us jailbirds raised £71,000 in two hours for BBC’s Children In Need on November 20th. Locked in jail with (pictured left to right) John Quigley, Shaf Azul, Fiona Best, Janis Sue Smith, and Neil Butler. We bashed the phones like lunatics calling everyone we had ever met and even some we hadn’t. The lovely Shaf had a selection of billionaires on speed dial which helped. But every pound that was raised whether it was from John Quigleys Aunt, my sons pocket money of a fiver or Will Whitehorn from Virgin Galactic who donated £4k every penny went towards a brilliant cause! As we climbed onto the stage to announce our total to Nicky Campbell & Jackie Bird the morning cell mates were there looking very pleased, they had raised £31k which was great too just not as great as us!

 Tuesday

Tracys daughter Prue isn’t speaking to her. Apparently her Pudsey costume looked less like a bear with an eye patch and more like a squirrel with conjunctivitis. She soon cheered up when she heard our friend Gina’s daughter isn’t speaking to her either. Why? She had overdone the wine at a girls night, come home, felt awful and was on her knees in with her head in the pan when the seat came down and walloped her on the nozzle. I then roll up the leg of my jeans and show her my black and blue knee which I got falling off my 6” heels on Friday night – thankfully not on live telly but I would like to say thank you to the gent who hoisted me back up onto my 6 inchers and made sure I was steady again before letting me go. Even with no booze at all I fall about like Rab C. is it an age thing?

Wednesday

Radio Forth Awards. The ceremony is held to raise money for the Radio Forth charity, Cash for Kids. Live acts were amazing including Sugababes all new line-up of Heidi, Amelle and Jade. I presented the award for best performance to The Noisettes who illustrated why the won it with their brilliant set. Comedian Adam Hills and Dionne Bromfield, the 13 year old god daughter of Amy Winehouse performed too and Tollcross Fire Station picked up the Local Hero Award (in memory of their colleague Euan Williamson).

Contribution to Music Award went to Spandau Ballet. When they burst onto stage there was a near riot as everyone jumped to their feet. Spot the fan. Tony Hadley’s voice was fabulous though clearly he has as much luck with weight loss as I do. Martin Kemp looked a little afraid as the girls stared blatantly. Great do. Great day. Well done organised Richie Jeffrey – Harvey Goldsmith watch your back!

Thursday

BBC Radio doing a loose women format every morning this week. I joined in today testing out my new home studio which was a joy. Instead of sitting on the M8 for hours I shuffled upstairs to the sound proof cupboard -sorry studio – and broadcast live from there in my dressing gown for an hour and a half. Christopher Biggins was on talking about Rocky Horror Show but of course we got on to Jordan aka Katie Price aka The publicity seeking missile or should I say missiles. The consensus was her plan to ingratiate herself with the British public has gone sadly awry and she should have battened down the hatches and looked after her kids in the glare of all her negative publicity not flown to Oz, dropped her drawers and showed off her silicone enhancements whilst eating a selection of bugs. Colin and Justin to win – I think one of them will. They are a credit to us in there mediating, smiling and being very funny. Come on boys!

Friday

Meet pal John Hamilton, Age 80,just back from a few days break in a Amsterdam. He enjoys the occasional fag so got a packet and went off into a bar for drink where he was told it’s the same as here now no smoking. Meandering around he spotted a coffee shop full of people smoking spliffs and eating hash cake. In he went, ordered a coffee and lit up a fag. Within seconds the women behind the bar grabbed him, you can’t smoke that in here she squawked horrified. What ? He said pointing at the dozen or so stone heads all puffing away on their joints. “But they’re all smoking!’. Ah yes but you are not allowed to smoke tobacco she admonished it’s illegal He laughed thinking she was joking but realised she wasn’t as he was led out out onto the street , fag free and confused. Who’d have thunk it?

Saturday

Up at the crack to make coffees at the school rugby. To be honest it’s an excuse not to watch the match these days. The kids have suddenly grown into hairy men. One of the opposition at the age of 14/15 had a full beard! Really! When I clocked him I thought he was a parent. Unable to watch clash of The Titans I preferred to pour coffee, tea and eat biscuits. The second we get back afterwards Campbell and Dave head out for lunch. Remember Fiona’s coming round later I shout as the door closes behind them. Cut to 7pm David overly loud and pretending he hasn’t had a bevy at lunchtime is whizzing round the kitchen cooking. He makes a lovely meal but dirties every dish in the house during the process. We eat hot smoked salmon then double cream potato dauphinoise, venison, roasted parsnips, and a vat of ice cream. Either he should go out drinking at lunchtime more often or he should get back into the restaurant business.

Monday

Just found out us jailbirds raised £71,000 in two hours for BBC’s Children In Need on November 20th. Locked in jail with (pictured left to right) John Quigley, Shaf Azul, Fiona Best, Janis Sue Smith, and Neil Butler. We bashed the phones like lunatics calling everyone we had ever met and even some we hadn’t. The lovely Shaf had a selection of billionaires on speed dial which helped. But every pound that was raised whether it was from John Quigleys Aunt, my sons pocket money of a fiver or Will Whitehorn from Virgin Galactic who donated £4k every penny went towards a brilliant cause! As we climbed onto the stage to announce our total to Nicky Campbell & Jackie Bird the morning cell mates were there looking very pleased, they had raised £31k which was great too just not as great as us!

Tuesday

Tracys daughter Pru isn’t speaking to her. Apparently her Pudsey costume looked less like a bear with an eye patch and more like a squirrel with conjunctivitis. She soon cheered up when she heard our friend Gina’s daughter isn’t speaking to her either. Why? She had overdone the wine at a girls night, come home, felt awful and was on her knees in with her head in the pan when the seat came down and walloped her on the nozzle. I then roll up the leg of my jeans and show her my black and blue knee which I got falling off my 6” heels on Friday night – thankfully not on live telly but I would like to say thank you to the gent who hoisted me back up onto my 6 inchers and made sure I was steady again before letting me go. Even with no booze at all I fall about like Rab C. is it an age thing?

Wednesday

Radio Forth Awards. The ceremony is held to raise money for the Radio Forth charity, Cash for Kids. Live acts were amazing including Sugababes all new line-up of Heidi, Amelle and Jade. I presented the award for best performance to The Noisettes who illustrated why the won it with their brilliant set. Comedian Adam Hills and Dionne Bromfield, the 13 year old god daughter of Amy Winehouse performed too and Tollcross Fire Station picked up the Local Hero Award (in memory of their colleague Euan Williamson).

Contribution to Music Award went to Spandau Ballet. When they burst onto stage there was a near riot as everyone jumped to their feet. Spot the fan. Tony Hadley’s voice was fabulous though clearly he has as much luck with weight loss as I do. Martin Kemp looked a little afraid as the girls stared blatantly. Great do. Great day. Well done organised Richie Jeffrey – Harvey Goldsmith watch your back!

Thursday

BBC Radio doing a loose women format every morning this week. I joined in today testing out my new home studio which was a joy. Instead of sitting on the M8 for hours I shuffled upstairs to the sound proof cupboard -sorry studio – and broadcast live from there in my dressing gown for an hour and a half. Christopher Biggins was on talking about Rocky Horror Show but of course we got on to Jordan aka Katie Price aka The publicity seeking missile or should I say missiles. The consensus was her plan to ingratiate herself with the British public has gone sadly awry and she should have battened down the hatches and looked after her kids in the glare of all her negative publicity not flown to Oz, dropped her drawers and showed off her silicone enhancements whilst eating a selection of bugs. Colin and Justin to win – I think one of them will. They are a credit to us in there mediating, smiling and being very funny. Come on boys!

Friday

Meet pal John Hamilton, Age 80,just back from a few days break in a Amsterdam. He enjoys the occasional fag so got a packet and went off into a bar for drink where he was told it’s the same as here now no smoking. Meandering around he spotted a coffee shop full of people smoking spliffs and eating hash cake. In he went, ordered a coffee and lit up a fag. Within seconds the women behind the bar grabbed him, you can’t smoke that in here she squawked horrified. What ? He said pointing at the dozen or so stone heads all puffing away on their joints. “But they’re all smoking!’. Ah yes but you are not allowed to smoke tobacco she admonished it’s illegal He laughed thinking she was joking but realised she wasn’t as he was led out out onto the street , fag free and confused. Who’d have thunk it?

Saturday

Up at the crack to make coffees at the school rugby. To be honest it’s an excuse not to watch the match these days. The kids have suddenly grown into hairy men. One of the opposition at the age of 14/15 had a full beard! Really! When I clocked him I thought he was a parent. Unable to watch clash of The Titans I preferred to pour coffee, tea and eat biscuits. The second we get back afterwards Campbell and Dave head out for lunch. Remember Fiona’s coming round later I shout as the door closes behind them. Cut to 7pm David overly loud and pretending he hasn’t had a bevy at lunchtime is whizzing round the kitchen cooking. He makes a lovely meal but dirties every dish in the house during the process. We eat hot smoked salmon then double cream potato dauphinoise, venison, roasted parsnips, and a vat of ice cream. Either he should go out drinking at lunchtime more often or he should get back into the restaurant business.

My son thinks I’m a pillock – of course he’s a good judge of character

Monday

I can recommend a packet of these toasted. NICE.

Can’t believe it is so close to Christmas already. The last time I looked at a clock it was August. Letters to Santa, family invitations, wrangling, whose going where, whose cooking, whose staying where, how many mince pies, should we order a turkey now or like last year put it off until the last 3 hours of Xmas Eve to queue for the only one left – in the butcher –  inevitably a 25lb monster or so small it is officially a nugget.

Rather than  continue these fraught discussions I go and watch Louis playing rugby. Oh dear not good for heart. They may only  be 9 and 10 years old but they tackle hard. I repeatedly  put my fist in my mouth to save from screeching ‘ don’t hurt yourself !’  and fight hard to resist tackling some of the other kids to the ground and ordering them to stay away from my precious one. Rugby and maternal hormones don’t mix.

When I say ‘my precious one’ obviously it is not to his face as my latest instruction when I drop him off at school is not to look at him. I did as instructed. Dropped him off and then, as I knew he would check with a sly peek into the car, I rolled my polo neck up  over my eyeballs and  just sat there until he had disappeared into the playground. I got a row at 4pm when I picked him up  for being silly.

Tuesday

So this morning as I dropped him off and then called him back and as turned I shouted ‘ I LOVE YOU!’ he was horrified and went scuttling into the playground puce.

Och.In desperate need of a haircut and my delightful hairdresser Derek is back in town so off I go for a rebuild. It feels so great to have a good haircut. You get the wash, the head massage and then I’m woken up and made to look 5 years younger thanks to the snippings of Mr Preston. Pick  Louis at 4 and he tells me I look like a supermodel. ‘I thought you’d be ignoring me for shouting out of the car this morning’–of course I shouldn’t of jogged his memory as he forgot to ignore me until I reminded him. Eejit I am. The puce ones parents night tonight and everything is just fine with the exception of his organisation skills.. I am not in a particularly strong position here as it took me 5 minutes to find the keyboard of my computer before writing this. I can’t really imagine where he gets that from

Wednesday

Got a crick in my neck and a hump slumping in front of the computer all day.

Late afternoon Anne Hunter turns up to help me with the curtains in the house. I am so bad at these sort of things I inevitably buy the wrong, size, colour, shape, etc so she has been drafted in to help. She looks as though she has had a stressful day – she is not alone. So I offer her a glass of wine at 6pm she accepts. By the time lucky Dave comes back at 8 there are a couple of empties and we are on a roll. We end the evening lying on the couch watching I’m A Celebrity Get me Out of Here whilst eating a tube of Revels I had bought in anticipation of Xmas and I break the news to her that Fran Cosgrove is not in fact the lead singer of Travis –

Thursday

Feeling a bit dry – must have been the revels – again locked in office trying not to lose sanity until off to Blue Bar for a meeting .Grab Louis and his pal and head up to Princes Street Gardens to see the lights being switched on and feel very Christmassy with the ice rink, the mulled wine and the sparkly funfair. Drop Louis home and head up   to the Point Hotel for a Christmas preview of the Ah Choo Shoes and Accessories. Anne is standing there looking great but, like me, feeling horrific and thanking the lord for make-up. There are so many people there I slip away for a hot bath and a lie down.

Friday

Off to stay at The Lodge on Loch  Lomond for the week with my pal Tracy. The sun is shining as we get to our room which is right on the lochside.It  is a very romantic spot with lots of loving couples –  and Tracy and I! The food is fabulous – we eat 3 courses and with waistbands groaning head off to watch I’m A Caleb. We bemoan being so sad and pathetic that we must watch it but watch it we do! Natalie Appleton – aaaaarghg!! Why did she go in? Did she think  it was a 5star hotel ? She has refused to do anything at all since she got there and far from being the rock chick we thought she was she is officially the woos of the year.

Saturday

Horrible wet misty day. Tracy neglected to mention she snores like a horse – do horses snore? – so the first stop is get in the car and find some ear plugs for the lobes of love. Once they are safely tucked into my bag we head back to the hotel spa, Heavenly on Loch Lomond  where we spend 2 hours being pampered. We have hot stone therapy, aromatherapy, a facial and I get a fake tan on my face. It takes hours to settle so I am instructed to buff my face with an old sock to bring the colour down to normal. It works!

At 1pm the spa is officially opened  and we have a glass of champagne and strawberries dipped in chocolate. Morag  who runs it is a great lass and we all raise our glasses to her success. I insert my earplugs at 11pm and get set for a good nights kip! Night night.

Fidel Castros Teeth. Nice.

Monday

Cigarry teeth a la Fidel

After a wild night out I was woken very early Saturday by David stumbling and guddling round the bathroom. What are you doing? I asked from my sore headed bed. Trying to read the ingredients of your fake tan he answered. Even in my half asleep state I knew this was unusual . Why? I asked,.  It seems when we came in last night I brushed my teeth with it. Despite the heid I couldn’t help but laugh. How on earth did you manage that? The pump action he muttered the pump action is the same as the toothpaste. So you mean the only real difference then would be the big red Colgate branding versus the dark brown Brazilian tanning branding – hard to mix up even in the dark I thought but decided not to say as I glanced over at what I can only imagine Fidel Castros teeth after 5000 cigars would have resembled. Is it permanent? He asks as the tears fell down my face and I shook my head whilst commenting most people are trying to get their teeth to go whiter not stain them nut brown. Poor thing went off with his lips firmly sealed and the way he was looking at me I suspect he would quite like me join suit.

Tuesday

My car almost blew up today. I was driving it thru town – nowhere off-road or motorwayish and when I parked it there was a distinct smell of burning. Getting out of the car I had a sniff at the bonnet and then was wondering what to do when a girl came up and said ‘I read your column every week!’ Oh thanks I said, come and smell my car. She did and agreed that it was indeed potentially about to burst into flames. As we stood I was fumbling round around looking for change for the pay and display machine when she  held out her handful of coins and said ‘actually I’ve just been caught short this is my pals Dads wake money!’ We smirked at each other whilst taking a wide berth round my car and the smoky bonnet before saying farewell. Ah sometimes I don’t feel so alone.

Wednesday

Louis birthday and so what did I get succoured into this year? An – gulp – electric guitar. It’s called an Electric Elf and it’s a wee Les Paul look-a-like – I am half hoping if he doesn’t like it I will just spirit it off into my office. Luckily for everyone he loves it – well everyone except Dave and I and our lugs – he has mastered, as they do, the riff from Smoke On The Water which was reverberating round our home for the 3 hours before bed time. My bedtime not his – he was still up when I went to sink into a bath with earplugs in and a good book. ‘How not to Lose your Marbles in the face of an enthusiastic amplified guitar beginner’ Cover to cover and I am still clenched,

Thursday

Have heard about this new system that test you for food intolerance. My pal Fiona had it done and was told she had to cut out wine. Naturally that brought on a deep depression potentially worse than the symptoms she was attempting to alleviate. Anyway,  off I went . It is a strange thing you sit on a chair and take off your shoe and the therapist clasps your foot. She then hands over a metal cylinder which is attached to this machine. In the machine there are lots of little slots and she has over 100 wee vials which contain the food stuff you are being tested for. She drops each vial into the machine she presses a probe against your foot and it give off a high pitched squeak – the machine not the foot! Occasionally the noise becomes a lot lower and makes a humming sound and those vials are the ones that contain stuff you should avoid. I had a few but the dramatic ones included chocolate – oh my God can I go on? – prawns – a staple for me I love them, yeast , that’s my 3 loaf a day habit over and saccharin. The most unusual ones were horse dander. Not only do I not know what the hell that is but  I have made it a lifes work  staying as far away from horses as possible since the day I sat astride a cute wee thing, named Orinoco after the Womble, who I was assured would just amble along next stop glue factory style – but one word from me and it took off like Russell Brand after a piece of skirt. Terrified I was so I have stayed away from horses and their dander ever since. So maybe Orinoco had an intolerance to me…..so I thank my toe prodder and leave ready for my new life as a health freak.

Friday

Big fund raising school party tonight I am not drinking as I have to take Louis and his clump of pals to a rugby match tomorrow and being responsible for all those boys with a thick head is not humanly possible. It will be hard enough clear eyed and calm

Saturday

Did I say clear eyed and calm. The kids rugby was cancelled cos of the weather so by the time they arrived at our gaff they were high as kites. Dave and I took them to see Scotland V Romania and then on the way out of te ground they formed into a rolling maul and careered through the streets until they collapsed en masse 15 10/11& 12year olds for a mass pagar in the park. Muddy and hyper  I have locked myself in the living room to write them and will only come out if there’s blood shed. Get me a gin and fast!