Fact: Ice cream, chocolate & booze = fat,spotty & hungover.

Monday

Head down to finish this guide to Edinburgh. I am crap at details, this is hard. Details and sensible punctuation. A mystery to me,>’# see?!?£

Manage to do lots of things to distract myself like take Flora, half dog half womble , for a haircut. She looks better, hates me and has a new boyfriend. Details and photos here http://bit.ly/b9f8Zq

Tuesday

How many you fat bannock?

Sit in front of computer screen all day. Eating. Subconsciously now. Bought 2 boxes of 3 Crunchie ice creams for the price of 1 from Morrisons. By the time Dave comes in I am still sitting in the kitchen writing now with a pile of detritus under my chair. Mainly Crunchie wrappers. Though there are a few other wrappers there too.

Did you eat all those? He asks shocked, pointing at my Brazilian rainforest of paper

(Men! Why don’t they comprehend a ton of chocolate is never enough. Open the gullet, get it in, keep stuffing it in until no more can be fitted in. A point I will never reach – I have tried. Men!)

No I said

Are you lying? He asked

Yes I said

Al!

I looked at him and he knew. Not up for discussion.

Wednesday

Chef of greatness

Guilt about diet. I may probably collapse and die after the crap I stuffed into my chops yesterday. Make concerted effort to do some exercise. Weather bloody awful so give up and take root in front of computer again. Eating. This is now a habit. Still at least I am getting through my Experts Guide to Edinburgh Guide. Have heard about a wee Turkish restaurant worth a visit so go and check it out. http://bit.ly/cjhBNW

Rod Stewart playing at Edinburgh castle tonight. The ramparts will be rampant with leopard skin leggings and it is so wet, the rain is running down the middle of the road. Poor Rodly – not so much hot legs as wet legs.

Thursday

Farm Shop fab for face stuffing

Went to NB to see my Mum. It was a foul day so we compensated by going to Fenton Barns Farm Shop for lunch. What a great place . Farm shop groaning with plates of food. So much so Dave couldn’t finish his. No that is not a misprint.

An hour later we are back at Mums. She bakes cakes, we eat them. It’s a family tradition. It was enthusiastically upheld today.

Sir Rodly of the Stewpot

Rod Stewart back on stage at Edinburgh Castle at 8pm he came off just before 10 – old trooper. Dynamite went and loved it. If you like my music, and you think I’m good for an OAP, come on baby let me know.

Friday

Like mine - 'cept this one works

Put petrol in my car. Sounds reasonable – not when it’s a diesel. Bloody thing juddered a few times and ground to a halt. On way to pick up mum from station. Phoned her to let her know her daughter was a half wit and I was now on foot.. But it was my mum and her mobile so of course she didn’t pick it up cos she never has it with her, and if she doesn she doesn’t put it on. So she is standing looking lost when I arrive harassed at the train station. I tried to phone you on the mobile I explain. Oh I don’t carry that thing! She said as if it were a preposterous suggestion. Exhaling we don’t argue but decide to walk along Prince Street for a nose, then onto George Street and then the heavens open. We rush into Browns for a quick drink. We only have 2 glasses of wine but by the time Dave arrives I am feeling no pain. The reason he finds out is the wine I have been glugging in to is 14% proof! Knocks our heads off. As we sit there the large red flatbed bed truck arrives to collect my car key to go and retrieve my car (RIP) to be flushed out or rinsed out or set on fire whatever they do. Do I get half wit of the week award? I ask them. No you’d be surprised how many folk do that. They said making me feel better as they take it away. We wend our way home on foot. Just as well frankly. Hic.

Saturday

Louis too!

Late last night on the internet I decide to adopt a dog. Half Scottie Half Laso Apso he is a 10 month old pup staying at Mrs Murray’s Home for stray dogs and cats in Aberdeen . He looks like my wee half womble half haggis Flora’s brother which is a good start then when I see his name is Louis I am convinced it is fate. Louis my son and Louis the dog. I get in touch and say I will take him. I am in love. I text pal Tracy and ask her to go and check him out for me. She agrees.

Saturday

Wake up feeling awful, phone dog home and tell them I am not adopting another dog. Despite it being named after my son and a natural fit with Flora it was another case of drink in wits out. I already have 2 dogs, they will hate me, they will resent him plus how can I go get him I haven’t’ got a bloody car. Text Tracy. She phones Thank God she said I did think you’d lost the plot.
Now she tells me.

Drink Resolve, beroccas, eat bananas and walk to the shops to get food. The heavens open, I am drenched, so drenched my Mum bursts out laughing when I squelch in. It looks like someones just thrown a bucket of water over your head she guffaws. They have. God I say. He’s got it in for me this weekend.

This feeling is still with me as I write this hungover, wet and dog tired. No sympathy required I should know better by now – but I don’t suppose I ever will. Not now.

Jura Jura Jura – Oi Oi Oi

 

Monday

Gutted. We find out the house we booked on Jura for our holiday is double booked. The Agent called and told us the owner had taken a booking and hadn’t told them. We are destitute with 6 kids and 5 adults and nowhere to go. We have all got our ferry tickets, Gordon has bought his inflatable and Dave has hired a canoe. I even went so far as to by Tesco wetsuits off the internet Still on the bright side if I don’t have to wedge my body then at least being harpooned might become less likely. The Agent is unrepentant we are unamused. Tell Louis to watch a few back epsiodes of Bear Grylls to see if we can learn how to fashion huts out of the Scottish landscape. Spending hours on line looking for alternatives to no avail so far. Boo hoo.

Tuesday

Dropping Flora half Dog Half Womble for a haircut, she is like a stinky bog brush thanks to guddling under trees and a deep love of rolling in anything revolting. Christine, her personal stylist tells me another customer had come in earlier today with a teeny pup she had just found. She had been walking past the bin at Iceland in Gorgie Road when she heard a whimpering sound. After a quick invesitgation she found this wee scrap of a thing in a plastic bag in the bin. Scooping it up it is now firmly ensconced in her jacket and being a total softie she is going to keep it. How can people be so callous? I just don’t understand what sort of mentality. Take it to a dog home, hand it to a vets surgery, give it to me! but don’t throw animals out with the rubbish.

Wednesday

Flora is too good for us now sweet smelling and silken once again she has left her bog brush days behind. Thank goodness. As I drove to collect her silkenship yesterday I passed an Aldi. We have waited for a long time to get one in Eidnburgh I am in like a whippet and agog at the bargains. Their moisturiser got a great review and is £1.89 a tub, in the basket. I see a highlighter pen like Touch Eclat but rather than nigh on £30 it’s £3.99 and as far as I can make it just as good. 5 nectarines for 89p I am reallly over excited they are about 99p each in some shops. Rush home in a state of excitement slather face cream all over myself and gorge on fruit. Aldi – at this rate I will be a youngie!

Thursday

On the Fred Macaulay Radio program today talking about new statistics say Scots men think spending as little as possible on a first date is completely acceptable. Aye if you never want to see the woman again. If they start by fiddling around with discount vouchers on day one it’s not exactly a major turn on. I can barely recall the whole carry on having been wedded for so long. I talk to Dynamite about it and she tells me her most memeroable first date was ong long ago in chinesse restaurant on Lothian road. They stuffed their faces then when they’d finished her date jumped up and hissed ‘right come one let’s leg it’ and did a runner. Charming. Dyna being an honest and mortified wee soul hung back and paid for it. If only I could rememebr his name she said I would happy for you to name and shame him 20 years on I’m still getting over it.

Friday

Still scouring for a holiday house. Sit still for so long have thighs like Ben Nevis, that’s each one by the way not as the sum of two fat halves. Depressing and yet the great thing about a staycation is you do’t have to reveal the blobs in public. Whoopee. It’s just Dave I feel sorry for really. What happened to the sylph like individual he married? Well not exactly sylph like but certainly not a scrunched up paper bag of a woman. Got Frownies off the internet that’s these sticking plasters your put on your face when you go to bed to stop you frowning. Nice . Pink foam ear plugs for the snoring, plasters for the wrinkling, next thing it will be full body stocking to hold in the parts that no-one would like to reach and a stray dog to keep the feet warm. Did Gina Lollibrigida have to do this?

Saturday

Pal down for The Tweenies. They are playing tomorrow night in Edinburgh. We are off to see Simple Minds at The Castle. What a decision Simple Minds or The Tweenies – that’s one good thing about not having a small daughter I say as I wave her off to join the legion of tweenie fans and get myself ready for Simple Minds. It’s Jim Kerrs 50th birthday – I was at his 30th birthday in Madrid when they were on tour with Lou Reed whilst doing a documentary on the bands 10th anniversary. Blimey. 20 years ago! I would tell you all about it but I would have to kill you. So off to relive my youth, near youth with no doubt unimproved appalling behaviour to accompany the evening. I will report back if I can remember anything this time…..

The boys camp it up whilst I deal with the firemen, swoon.

 

Monday

Delighted to be invited to co-host this years Great Scot Awards. I have been involved with the judging panel for 8 years now and it is the most important date in annual calendar to meet and talk to the unsung heroes that are The Great Scots. The lovely Jenny Falconer will be co-hosting with me. I haven’t yet put in a bid to be as far away from her on the podium as possible to avoid us looking like the before and after of the Slim Fast Diet. I h ave been trying to stick to salad but there is something about these wild windy, wet, foggy days that just make me want to eat pies. Louis and David are going camping tomorrow for 2 nights to Perthshire.It’s the first time Louis has ever gone and he is keyed up with his rucksack packed full of clothes. Boys don’t change that much when they’re camping Dave told him which put an even bigger smile on his face.

Tuesday

Waved the boys off at 7am as I got into the shower. Louis has even put a pillow in . Really that boy doesn’t know hardship. He is more interested in the provisions food wise than anything else. Yes they have a wee stove, a wee pan and I suspect a slim chance of eating at all as they are hoping to cook the fish they catch. I had bought a couple of burgers for them to put in their cool bag but optimistically or foolishly – we shall see -they have left them in the fridge which is fine as Dynamite is staying with me tonight and we are going to watch the taped Dragons Den, eat burgers and stay off the wine.

Wednesday

Woken up at 5am with rain that would be more at home in a monsoon. Immediately I have visions of the River Lyon swelling and sweeping my two boys away in their tent. I text Dave but of course there is no signal. I wait with bated breath. Keep busy to distract myself and head off to the vet with half dog half Womble Flora who has something stuck in her nose. Really the vet just smirks when he sees me – usually I am with Sam the lab and he knows to get the glove on – but on this occasion Flora is nasally prodded and the verdict is she has kennel cough which is apparently rife in Edinburgh just now. She has been inoculated but apparently that just means they get less symptoms so I take the old snuffler back home and put her on the couch as I wait to hear from the two windswept , starving wet boys.

Thursday
Still no word from the camping twins. Trying not to worry but have no way of contacting them. This is how it was in the old days of course but I am so used to several silly texts a day that even my hair is clenched. I am walking down the road worrying when suddenly I hear a shout ‘Hey are you looking for a toy boy?’ shouts a cheeky young man. ‘No! I am not!’ I say unable to prevent a laugh flying out of my mouth ‘ Oh well would you like a chip then?’. The charm of the young.

Had Coreen Scott and Andrew Dallmeyer on the Radio Program today talking about their new fringe production ‘The Battle of Pots N Pans’ aka The Battle of Prestonpans . Apparently it lasted 7 ½ minutes but the Scots victorious celebrated for about a fortnight. I liked the cut of their jib. I like the sound of living in 1745 until the Battle of Culloden which didn’t sound quite such good crack obviously. Anyway it is a modern day take on the whole thing and sounds great. Coreen the singer with Laverock has a magical voice and sings songs that intersperse with the story. Anyway they’re on til the 10th at St. Cuthberts Church – a bit of Scots history for the family.

Friday

It’s the Edinburgh Jazz and Blues Festival so I have two of the Dizzy Gillespie All Stars on today. Nice blokes performing in Edinburgh it’s hard for them to sound too enthusiastic about Edinburgh when they have barely seen it through the mist, fog and damp that has been this week. But they claim to love it anyway. Bless. Half way through the show a bloke rushes into the studio and starts hitting the alarm casings – what are you doing? – testing the alarms he tells me. His name is Andy from ADT and he is a regular reader of this column. He asked me ‘ how do you fit so much in ?’ I asked him the same question honestly if anyone wrote down what they do in an average week they would surprise themselves. Just as he departed I spotted 3 firemen in full fire gear in the studio through from mine. Swoon. There was nothing to worry about it was just a fire alarm drill.Several of the girls were pretending to faint and hoping to be carried out of the building but the guys saw through them immediately. I know what Dave’s getting for Christmas.

Saturday

Had a reunion of Aberdonians last night. All the folks we hung about with when we were teenagers. We were thick as thieves in those days and tonight we were in the pub from 7pm until 1am. 7 of us live in Scotland, 1 in London, 1 in Hong Kong and Dave the bass player came all the way up from Guildford on his motorbike. In fact the engine on his bike is bigger than the one in my first car but he was still a but sore round the hurdies. I was impressed with everyone’s stamina last night – especially mine – but not so much this morning. Having sworn off wine, gin is getting my custom these days. My first drink was a double and then the kitty kicked in so I assumed I was getting singles but when I awoke this morning with a head like a bag of bolts it seems there wasn’t much tonic in any of them. Lie still. Quiet. Peaceful but it still feels like I have 76 trombones in my skull. Round to mother-in-laws tonight for a Chinese carry out which is ideal. We sit in the garden, eat Chinese food and all get quite hysterical unable to stop laughing at one point. Early night and looking forward to feeling fresh and cleansed tomorrow.

Fidel Castros Teeth. Nice.

Monday

Cigarry teeth a la Fidel

After a wild night out I was woken very early Saturday by David stumbling and guddling round the bathroom. What are you doing? I asked from my sore headed bed. Trying to read the ingredients of your fake tan he answered. Even in my half asleep state I knew this was unusual . Why? I asked,.  It seems when we came in last night I brushed my teeth with it. Despite the heid I couldn’t help but laugh. How on earth did you manage that? The pump action he muttered the pump action is the same as the toothpaste. So you mean the only real difference then would be the big red Colgate branding versus the dark brown Brazilian tanning branding – hard to mix up even in the dark I thought but decided not to say as I glanced over at what I can only imagine Fidel Castros teeth after 5000 cigars would have resembled. Is it permanent? He asks as the tears fell down my face and I shook my head whilst commenting most people are trying to get their teeth to go whiter not stain them nut brown. Poor thing went off with his lips firmly sealed and the way he was looking at me I suspect he would quite like me join suit.

Tuesday

My car almost blew up today. I was driving it thru town – nowhere off-road or motorwayish and when I parked it there was a distinct smell of burning. Getting out of the car I had a sniff at the bonnet and then was wondering what to do when a girl came up and said ‘I read your column every week!’ Oh thanks I said, come and smell my car. She did and agreed that it was indeed potentially about to burst into flames. As we stood I was fumbling round around looking for change for the pay and display machine when she  held out her handful of coins and said ‘actually I’ve just been caught short this is my pals Dads wake money!’ We smirked at each other whilst taking a wide berth round my car and the smoky bonnet before saying farewell. Ah sometimes I don’t feel so alone.

Wednesday

Louis birthday and so what did I get succoured into this year? An – gulp – electric guitar. It’s called an Electric Elf and it’s a wee Les Paul look-a-like – I am half hoping if he doesn’t like it I will just spirit it off into my office. Luckily for everyone he loves it – well everyone except Dave and I and our lugs – he has mastered, as they do, the riff from Smoke On The Water which was reverberating round our home for the 3 hours before bed time. My bedtime not his – he was still up when I went to sink into a bath with earplugs in and a good book. ‘How not to Lose your Marbles in the face of an enthusiastic amplified guitar beginner’ Cover to cover and I am still clenched,

Thursday

Have heard about this new system that test you for food intolerance. My pal Fiona had it done and was told she had to cut out wine. Naturally that brought on a deep depression potentially worse than the symptoms she was attempting to alleviate. Anyway,  off I went . It is a strange thing you sit on a chair and take off your shoe and the therapist clasps your foot. She then hands over a metal cylinder which is attached to this machine. In the machine there are lots of little slots and she has over 100 wee vials which contain the food stuff you are being tested for. She drops each vial into the machine she presses a probe against your foot and it give off a high pitched squeak – the machine not the foot! Occasionally the noise becomes a lot lower and makes a humming sound and those vials are the ones that contain stuff you should avoid. I had a few but the dramatic ones included chocolate – oh my God can I go on? – prawns – a staple for me I love them, yeast , that’s my 3 loaf a day habit over and saccharin. The most unusual ones were horse dander. Not only do I not know what the hell that is but  I have made it a lifes work  staying as far away from horses as possible since the day I sat astride a cute wee thing, named Orinoco after the Womble, who I was assured would just amble along next stop glue factory style – but one word from me and it took off like Russell Brand after a piece of skirt. Terrified I was so I have stayed away from horses and their dander ever since. So maybe Orinoco had an intolerance to me…..so I thank my toe prodder and leave ready for my new life as a health freak.

Friday

Big fund raising school party tonight I am not drinking as I have to take Louis and his clump of pals to a rugby match tomorrow and being responsible for all those boys with a thick head is not humanly possible. It will be hard enough clear eyed and calm

Saturday

Did I say clear eyed and calm. The kids rugby was cancelled cos of the weather so by the time they arrived at our gaff they were high as kites. Dave and I took them to see Scotland V Romania and then on the way out of te ground they formed into a rolling maul and careered through the streets until they collapsed en masse 15 10/11& 12year olds for a mass pagar in the park. Muddy and hyper  I have locked myself in the living room to write them and will only come out if there’s blood shed. Get me a gin and fast!