Sack of tatties

A mature party - unlike one we've ever had. Sadly.
A mature party – unlike one we’ve ever had. Sadly. Courtesy of www.thetelegraph.co.uk

Why is it I wait until the morning of a party to get something to wear? It’s not just any party either its our party. A party to relaunch our restaurant in Aberdeen.

As ever I have been concentrating on the night itself, the folk, the food, the drink and the music and then come the revolution I think. ‘Och I will just wear that-it’s’ fine’. Then I realise when I try it on and the poundage of Christmas still clings to my not insubstantial fleshy bits  it is not in fact fine at all unless I want to look like a mutton dressed as lamb, VPL, bulgy bodied, baggy kneed harridan. Which I don’t.

The thing is it’s a perfectly good dress, from Sandwich which my pal donated to me but it won’t cut the mustard unless I cut the calories and it’s a little late for that.   To wear a too tight bulger is just not going to do for the relaunch of the restaurant  plus let’s be honest I am seeing people I haven’t seen for 20 years and I don’t want to look well em.. 20 years older. Also I don’t want to look as though I have tried too hard so the frock that was for the offsprings 21st is not getting an airing. “She’s done up like a dogs dinner look at the state of that!” Its a rock and a hard place situation so I get up at 7am and google all the shops in Edinburgh, the majority of which don’t open till 10am ! Why? Anyway we are leaving at 10am so the only real option is John Lewis.  Concession central so I am standing at their locked grill gates at 8.59am  to find something. Anything.

Cramming 20 dresses into a changing room finally I try this one on. Thankfully this photo is not of me in it – obviously – but well I felt black was a little dull. So.images…I tried on another 25 and by now hot, sweaty and grumpy I plumped (sic) for this one from Damsel In A Dress. Bright. Cheery. Machine washable. Yes I have complete aversion to dry cleaning anything. Ever. Grippy and lazy my two watch words.I_5055344785255_01_20151216So relieved off I run to check out, pay, run home, pack car, put sausage dog in car, drive to Aberdeen. Arrive, shower, open bag, realise new dress is still in Edinburgh 120 miles away so I have no option but to wear the original sausage skin.  I blame this stress on what happened next which I can’t quite bear to write down yet. Mortified. Tomorrow when my blood pressure returns to normal I will.

Badly behaved old bat (dehydrated)

PS Googling Damsel in a Dresses website and happily found this great Blog Damsel In A Dress from California which has nothing to do with that stripy thing above and everything to do with a great blog. Its on my blogroll from when I remember how to add it.

Teenwolf is set the ultimate challenge….can he rise to it?

Afraid – truly afraid

What do you give a teenage boy to whip him into a frenzy?

Beer?

Beer that cannot be detected on the breath by the sharp nosed parent?

A one on one with the cheerleaders of the national rugby team?

Fake ID?

Hmmmn - what the ???X Ray eyes?

An ability to study whilst listening to their Ipod, texting their friends and Facebooking – oh no of course, according to teenwolf they can do that.

A pizza the size of a sports stadium?

Some ‘`how to get the ladyeeeez to`LOVE you’ tips from Jayzee?

Yes to one or all of the above.

One thing that will not however get them into a frenzy, is the package I took home today.

As you can see it looks rather intriguing. It was as teenwolf undid the tags on the side and as it burst into it’s upright glory .it resembled one of those cloth tunnels he had as  a 3 year old from IKEA which he spent many hours climbing through.

‘God Mum it’s not a tunnel is it?

‘Yes’.

‘You’re joking! ‘

‘Well yes’.

A hat for unfeasibly large head?

‘Oh…well ‘, he muttered as he looked in a bemused fashion into the very belly of the cloth beast as it stood on it’s end.

‘Well what  is it?’

‘Ok sit down,’ he sat down ‘this is an alien concept, an implement  which will stun and confuse you’.

A nervous tick emerged as he watched me suspiciously.

‘It is a …’

Pause for effect

For once I had his full attention

‘….Laundry basket’

‘A what?’

‘A receptacle into which you put your dirty laundry.’

‘Oh’  instant and extreme disinterest is now displayed.

‘Anything that is dirty that does not go in here, will not be washed.’

He gave me that ‘och Mum I know how much you love me this is bound to a temporary arrangement’ grin.

I gave him the evil eye.

‘ I mean it.’

So off he went to do his homework. AKA Sit in front of the computer, facebooking his pals, strumming the guitar, texting, listening to his Ipod – oh  but only after spreading his school books on the kitchen table so when I walk in he can quick as a flash sit in front of them and look studious. I shall post an update in 24 hours…what do you think the odds are of anything being in it?

Please examine the artists (if you can call me that!) impression of the process  below. – I am the one with the big bottom on the left. Double click on it to make it bigger – but beware it is Teenwolf’s lair. Welcome to my world.

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