Alison’s Diary planes, trainers & automobiles

Even this photo gives me the top lip sweat

Monday

Back from Majorca and what a shock. No not the weather, not the light , no the fact I got on the airplane. Yup. Despite all my trails and tribulations of trying to get rid of ‘THE FEAR’ it is alive and well and living in my gut. God I wish I loved it. My pal Fiona literally loves it! I hate it. The day on the run up is a clench fest. I stare at the sky, I google the weather, my jaw is so set that it is in danger of toning up. Yup that bad. Arrived at 2am UK time which meant the whole flight was in the dark – that didn’t help. The last time I was in a plane in the dark we had an emergency landing with lightening and smoke so perhaps I am just having a flashback. Still I am here, in one piece, if not a little f***** madder.

Tuesday

Presented the Kaye Adams Show on BBC Radio Scotland so had to be through in Glasgow for 7am Actually the one thing about a holiday is it makes things like getting up in them middle of the night easier. Recharged the battery. Talked about the snew SPL and Scottish Gov. plan to get overweight Scottish guys into the local football club once a week to get fit. The guys that phoned in were all great. Admitting they were a bit on the heavy side but determined to do something about it. A few others called to tell everyone they had lost inches round their waist so s I clutched my overhang I thought – right get a group Alison so the fitness campaign commences, again.

Wednesday

Am locked in my office working on finishing off the guide to Edinburgh I was commissioned to write. It is live now at www.simonseeks.com click on Edinburgh and see if I have left anything or anyone out. It is not quite finished so any suggestions just leave them here. BTW in order to leave a comment in alisonsdiary.com immediately you have to register on the right hand side that means it will appear straight away rather than have to be approved. Better for banter.

How do you cook yer mushrooms?

Thursday

Sad day had to go north for the funeral of one of my Dad’s bestest pals in the world. He was lovely man, he spoke at Dave and I’s wedding, was Mum and Dad’s best man and just an all round lovely guy. Before the service went to The Ferryhill House hotel in Aberdeen. Specials are mushrooms says a girl who clearly hasn’t smiled since she was born. How are they cooked I asked. She wandered off and came back 5 minutes later . They’re cook in the oven she said. I smiled she was joking? Nope . Charm free. She didn’t smile once during the meal. Then as there was a chink of light in the sky we thought we’d sit outside for a coffee. I nipped to the loo as my 81 year old Aunt order the coffee and they wouldn’t take it outside for her so with walking stick, tray , 2 coffees and a gin she just about made it. Charm free as I said. Not going back. Ever.

Friday

Drove back last night so up and about early this morning, working then met pal Fiona at The Circle Cafe in Edinburgh for lunch. I can recommend it. Polar opposite to the service we got yesterday these guys are lovely. I may adopt them them. Fresh delicious food. I just had the soup but it was a huge bowl of tomato and basil soup with about half a loaf of delicious bread. We controlled ourselves and didn’t run amok with the home bakes but going back soon the stuff them into the chops. Ordered my fit flop boots online. Very excited. I have never walked so much with the fit flops so intend to keep going all winter. All I need now are some groovy waterproofs. Cheap and cheerful any suggestions welcome.

Last weekend in Majorca - Zaphod Beeblebrox lives!

Saturday

Teenwolf off to a party so watch him striding off into the gloaming and recall days under bushes with bottle of Martini and lemonade – ahh – it fees like yesterday. Then I remember all the other things I did and start getting frantic with worried. I so hope he takes after his father. I so do.

Gulp.

For who on earth Zaphod Beeblebrox is click here.

Barefaced horror on national TV – sorry.

Oh happy day.

Security woman carrying me in on her head

Up at 5am, looking like a sack of tatties, arrived at the BBC to prepare for presenting Call Kaye on Radio Scotland in Glasgow at 7am as Kaye Adams was having a well earned break. Sitting, baggy and slumped preparing the show when I get the call ‘come through we are ready to do  the trailer’ OK I said and shuffled through to the radio studio.

And then I heard the terrifying words.

No Alison, not in there it’s  a television trailer.

What?

The trailer goes out on TV.

Immediate nausea hit me as I gasped but I haven’t got any slap.

Oh.

Have you?

No sorry.
Can I do the trailer with a bag over my head?

No.

Sure?

Yes.

Oh. Ok better get ready for the national grid to surge as everyone lunges at their TV and turns it off.

She laughed, bless her.

I meant it.

A wrinkle faced bat - or me? You will never know.

So if you were unfortunate enough to clock the tired, faced old bat this morning at 8.30am. Yes that was me and yes I did look shocking. I don’t go to the shops without my slap on – so national TV at 8.30am was a tad traumatic – for you more than me I suspect – and that’s saying something.

Call Kaye tomorrow is Call Alison on BBC Scotland

Have been away. Far far away and got back late late last night at 2am. Straight back into it. Hilarity of trip with associated photos will be documented later  this week but for now.

Tomorrow I am sitting in for Kaye Adams presenting her Call Kaye program on BBC Radio Scotland at 8.45am – 10am.

 It’s a phone in. So guess what I am asking you to do? Yup. Got it in one. Phone. In.

Or Text or e mail of course.

There are 2 topics to get your teeth into.

     Scottish geezers and their appalling health.Yup they say 68% of Scottish men are overweight and so the SPL have got together the Government to launch FFIT – Football Fans In Training. Have you heard about it? Well if you’re between 35 – 65 and have a belly of over 100cm or over a 38 ” waist size  trouser. The plan is to get along to your local football club once a week to work out with the club trainers and turn yourself into a finely honed race horse as opposed to a glue factory candidate. What do you think about that? Why are the Scots so unhealthy in the first place? Is this just another flash in the pan or is there something we are missing and should be doing? 

    You can call : 0500 92 95 00    Facebook Page:  Call Kaye                Text: 80295               Email: callkaye@bbc.co.uk

 

 The second half of the show will be talking about – gird your loins – Christmas! Yup. The day of a thousand family feuds looms large. Well not that large. Do you love it or hate it? Are you thinking about it already or incensed that the word Christmas is allowed to be uttered at all before the 23rd of December. I knew you would have an opinion so don’t hold back. Liz Jones, Daily Mail columnist will be on giving us her opinion so come one get involved it should be bunfight and loads of fun –

  1.  

You can call 0500 92 95 00            Text 80295

Email callkaye@bbc.co.uk                Facebook Page:   Call Kaye

8.45 – 10am tomorrow on BBC Radio Scotland

7 Days in Scotland trapped in the body of a podgy, middle-aged woman.

I know how he feels.

Monday

Arranged a tennis lesson in a fit of madness. I used to play about 20 years ago and had vaguely firm thighs so the thought of revealing any part of my body at all ever again has spurred me on to give it a go. One hour of teaching from the coach and I am wondering if the court has an oxygen tent, main problem is I can’t find out the answer as I can’t speak. No it’s not a good look hanging onto the net gasping for breath as the  coach stands next to me, arm outstretched, proferring a bottle of water. Clearly I have a long way to go.

Tuesday

Soon to be joined by Bandy & Limpy

Walking like I’ve  had a  horse between my legs for the past 20 years. Bandy and limpy.  Tennis clearly reaches the parts of the body that have been lying  dormant for decades. Blimey. This evening  Dave asks if I’d like a game? ‘Of what?’ I ask hurpling. Tennis? he says. ‘TENNIS are you joking? Look at me?’ He smirks, yeh OK then how about Scrabble?  I chose to ignore that  cheek, storing the retaliation for another time.  Watch it sunshine your time will come.

Wednesday

Dynamite has been away on holiday for 10 days but it’s her birthday today so I phone where she is staying and speak to a mutual pal. Where are you

Would have been a much better idea the tea!

going tonight? I ask. I’ll phone and buy her a big drink to wish her happy birthday. ‘Oh God’ says Duff the desperate voice ‘  don’t do that I couldn’t face it’. It’s not for you! I admonished ‘I know but Dynamite is sitting right next to me, are you drinking tonight Di?’  In the background I can hear the familiar tones muffled but definitive  of the birthday girl herself  ‘Non. No. Nein. Nicht. Never’ Put her on! I command. You sure you don’t want a big cold birthday gin and tonic? I ask. ‘Och well….why not?’ That girl has the self control of Lewis Hamilton when faced with the accelarator pedal of a very fast car. None. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Thursday

John about to sink his head into the vat

Met up with old pal John Wood for a quick drink.  John & I used to do the zoo crew a radio program which was a scream. John is a natural comedian so we soon revert to type sitting in a restaurant, eating, drinking and guffawing like a pair of old dafties.  Afterwards we decide to just head off home when John suggests one for the road. One what? Vat? Yup spot on. Having sat at the begining of the evening declaring ‘ oh aye we were wild then’ we stayed out til closing time and hatched 17 new plans for world domination of the entertainment world. Shame we won’t remember them in the morning.

Friday

Got a call at 8.30am to appear on Kaye Adams new show on BBC Radio Scotland within the hour. The topic? The idea that clothes maketh the man. Naturally being a big mouthed Aberdonian I aye have something to say on any subject.  There was no escaping the irony as I sat there in my tacky trackie bottoms,odd socks, with a slumped dog on one foot, no make-up, a surfeit of Astral cream on my face in a baggy,faded sweatshirt and expounded the sad truth that clothes do maketh  the woman.   Which as I

Photo taken as I exit studio

regarded the fright of myself in the mirror  may well be why I now broadcast dressed like Catweasel from a small dark cupboard in my home.

Saturday

7 hours and counting.

Taking the horror of my ever greying hair on board I bought a Garnier Herbalshine hair colour. Temporary covers grey for up to 6 weeks. On reading the instructions I was tempted to go to the local infirmary to apply it. Oh My God. It is as if they expecting your head to swell to the size of an elephant before passing out and experiencing some sort of fit. Nervously I read and re-read it before deciding I looked like a grey headed elephant anyway so I might  as well go ahead.  Half an hour later I appeared downstairs with completely different hair colour. As I write this I am still waiting for my husband to notice. 7 hours and counting.

Now Sunday morning and he still hasn’t noticed. He will pay.