Identity Theft – a blessing!

The Iron Chefs - blimey!

Weekend looms and on Monday Iron Chef starts on Channel 4 5pm.  I’m a judge on 5 of the shows and my pal sent me a text the other night saying ‘saw the promo on the telly you’re looking good’. Well I was immediately suspicious considering I had been up at 5am to get there in the snowy conditions for the recording I knew I was looking baggy to say the least. So the other night teenwolf shouted ‘Iron Chef trailers on’ and I rushed through only to see the last snippet , yes she was right I was looking good! It wasn’t me!  It was Joanna Blythman, The Sunday Herald food critic and considerbly more perky than I.  Still if you’re around Monday 5pm check it out it’s a blast!

Calorific Catastrophe all in the name of Jesus.

Easier said than done Mr Sign Maker Man!

There is a time of year in this God forsaken country when all I can think about is food.

All year.

365 days a year.

Before I open my eyes in the morning I think….mmmmn what can I have?

It’s why I  get up – to slug coffee down my throat and toy with the possibilities.

1. Cereal – Get Thee Behind Me Satan.

Us in the dark after a dubious loaf, I'm the one on the left.

2. Toast – dull.  Plus I have gone off it since I found out some of the  bread we buy in the supermarkets will last for about 3 years if just left there on the kitchen unit,  thanks to the surfeit of  E numbers and preservatives that lurk within. No, the only reason I would eat it now is  to test my theory that we will glow in the dark if suddenly plunged into darkness  again ( I refer to a recent power cut during which we nearly died cannoning round the house  crashing into each other, tripping over dogs and trying to find a candle and then a match to illumintate our coal black surroundings – obviously we survived)    So anyway, as Spring has sprung and the clocks have changed,   I ignored the bread, and moved on to the cooked options.

3. Poached eggs on toast. Oh yeh the damn bread again. Poached eggs without toast?  Not an option. Although even if I do say so myself I am a bit of a dab hand on the  poached egg front  having attended Nick Nairns cookery school with my 78 year old mother.

Even seeing this makes me want to stuff it into my face

She is a great cook but the elusive perfect poached egg had escaped her repertoire for all of those decades.  So we learnt together but all of that knowledge and wonder is frankly redundant if not perched on a lightly toasted, wholemeal, vaguley homemade bread with good quality butter. Slurp.  Same goes with scrambled, boiled and don’t like fried, so no eggs then.

4. Sausages & bacon only as part of the whole and the whole is the above and that’s not happening

5. Fresh fruit- yes Ok a few sunken satsumas, a wrinkly looking apple and a very brown banana.I had replenished the fruit bowl less than 24 hours ago but my son, Teenwolf is aka the Fruit Bat. He scoffs it in such alarming quantities I have considered getting a pipe and firing it directly into his stomach like a Perigord Goose. He says he’ll phone Childline. Fair enough.

Is it any wonder they look worried really.

So  weak with hunger and desperate I  lunged into the cupboard.

A yes the big carboard box of porridge oats.  Nice. Well nice if you cook it slowly  in full fat milk before liberally sprinkling with brown sugar, nuts, some chopped fruit and cream – the equivalent in calories of  another bleedin’ Easter Egg.

Excuse to put picture of beautiful egg eating Paul Newman up. Swoon.

Bugger it.

I’ll just have the Egg.

The big chocolate Egg.

The one that I had set aside to replace the one I ate yesterday, which made me feel sick. But God it was so worth it.  1 …2…3…….


Gird yer loins – pork loins that is – Iron Chef UK is coming to a TV near you.

4 People who know how to poach an egg

Described as cross between Mastermind and Gladiators Iron Chef UK  will hit our screens in April 2010 with muggins here as one of the judges!

Food? Eating? Talking?  Me? Can it be true?
Sworn to secrecy until now, I can reveal the new show that will be talk of the steamie and will whip all our foodie aspirations into a frenzy as the biggest food program to come out of Japan and USA – in fact Michelle Obama has appeared on the US version.
It’s mad, it’s bad and  it’s seriously entertaining. Filmed at Film City in Glasgow the set was home to 4 iron chefs Tom Aikens, Martin Blunos, Sanjay Dwivedi and Judy Joo
Aikens had two Michelin stars by the 26 – HELLO!
Blunos is the founder of the famous Restaurant Lettonie.
Delhi-born Dwivedi has toured with the Rolling Stones

Judy Joo would make yer average supermodel feel like a sack of tatties.

It will run Monday-Friday 5pm on Channel 4, yes it’s the Come Dine With Me Slot starting in April.

During filming I had my camera to hand at all times as fellow judges Richard Johnson, Kate Spicer, Gizzi  and Joanna Blythman amongst others tasted and judged some wonderful and some frankly not so wonderful dishes.  Can it really be called a job sitting watching the preparation of world class food then being called upon to taste it? Well on this occasion yes. Thank you God.

Presenter Olly Smith is touted as being the next big thing. Warm, hilarious and with an energy that comes second only to a 50,000 gallon vat of Red Bull he and Nick Nairn present and commentate on what is going on in the gladiatorial arena that is the kitchen.  One Iron Chef is pitted against 4 contenders. They must prepare a starter or main course, or in the Iron Chef’s case 2 of each using a mystery ingredient, within the alloted time.

Recorded as live the pressure is such that there is no room for error or the faint hearted. 

Clearly this woman couldn't take the pressure

 You see the crux of the matter is until all cooks, Iron or otherwise get into the kitchen  they have no idea  what the secret ingredient is so they cannot plan ahead. It could be duck, mince, eggs, snails or dung they just don’t know.

Ooooh the mystery ingredient. What will it be?

 So it really is a test of  culinary knowledge, creative skills and speed of thought. Riveting to watch up close and riveting to watch on screen. April is the date when it will arrive like soda syphon in the face on your TV screen. Watch this space. (Cadet).

More behind the scenes exclusives to follow.


General TV Excitement!

So there I am in the pub with Dynamite when I get a call d’ya funcy being a judge in a new Channel 4 show called Iron Chef? 0000.6 seconds later I said yes. Asked no pertinent questions just bit the mans hand off. Very uncouth for a woman of my age but what the heck. It looks great! It’s billed as a cross between Gladiators and Masterchef it sounds right up my boulevard. Sitting on my bum, eating. Here’s the American Iron Chef to give you a flavour of what it’ll be like!