Christmas calorie intake 6000 an hour.

 

Monday 28th

Today is officially declared a non drinking day as the strain my zips and buttons are under is frankly cruelty to flab. There is a party this afternoon but I ask for a soft drink. A derisory snort is made as I am handed a luke warm glass of water. To hell with that. Geeza drink! Am soon giving it ‘Chestnuts roasting round an open fire’ at the top of my lungs whilst harassing the piano player to play Last Christmas by Wham. When he does the whole party stops and gathers round giving it laldy which is when Dynamite bursts into the room wearing a red puffy ski jacket to re-enact the video. Excellent.

Tuesday

Up at the crack to get my abandoned car. Arrive at 8.30am to find a ticket, the wardens were on yesterday – can’t believe it. There goes my Christmas money on a parking fine. Not pleased. Some heading into the sales today not me. The combination of empty purse, parking ticket and hangover assures the dogs get a decent walk. Half way through ice station zebra aka the park Flora, half womble half haggis stops dead in her tracks. Her feet are like icicles, she has balls of snow round her fat wee legs and can go no further. Taking pity I hoist her like a sack of tatties over my shoulder and stomp home.

Wednesday

Going off dogs. By means of thanking me for carrying her from the icy hell of the park yesterday Half womble half haggis savages my christmas present from Dave, a wart hog. You can see in this picture before it’s early demise it had the evil eye which all the dogs have been growling at since I opened it. Now my little warthog is in a bin liner off to meet its maker. Flora is in the bad books and spends the day staring at me pathetically with an apologetic look in her eye. Spend the evening with Dave making a monster casserole for tomorrows shenanigans.

Thurday.

Oh God here we go again.Fiona having a party and everyone is taking something.We head off carrying the giant casserole between us trying to walk smoothly.. I told you to put clingfilm on it I screech as my party coat is splooshed with gravy. I did he said taking off the lid revealing a huge ball of plastic in the middle of the stew. Very appetising. Despite it’s drainage problems it is wolfed down as people scramble for a hot lining before trudging up to Princes Street to see Madness. What a fabulous night! All walk back to Fiona in Madness style and carry on.

Friday

Home at 5am. Awake at 8am what’s that about? Age? Drink? Can’ sleep so get up, glug a resolve and wrap up to take Flora the evil warthog eater and her friend out for a stumble round the park. Exchange Happy New Years with a few people. Spot one guy obviously just home,steaming and trying in vain to fit the key into his front door. Ask if I can help and open the door for him. You’ve saved my life he slurs at me dramatically you’ve saved my life. Hardly I say modestly it was nothing. No he says honestly you have I’m absolutely dying for a s***e .Happy New Year.

Saturday

Off to Murrayfield to watch Edinburgh V Glasgow. Round to pals Charles who live round the corner and always get descended on. As time goes on the boys head off wrapped up against the elements, soon after that the men follow on. The women? Well after a quick look outside we decide on one for the road and then as we snuggle up in front of the roaring fire gossiping wildly someone says what we were all thinking. Shall we just stay here? Deal done we turn on the telly ignore the match and have a lovely time for Monday the hell of new year new regime and reality kicks in big time. Yeuch.

Shock Horror Probe Sober New Year Alert!

Monday

Hogmanay! Memories of standing on roofs in Princes Street as the celebrations blow away around us.It’s great to watch someone else from the warmth of a couch I can tell you. For the first time since I was about 5 this year we have a quiet one – no really! We have to go to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary to pick someone up at 9pm and so not a drop touches my lips – having spent so many Hogmanays in full party mode it is amazing to see business as usual at the hospital 24 hours a day, 365 days a year and the ERI nursing staff were just a collective ray of sunshine – so I toast them and wish them and you a Happy New Year! Watched the fireworks from the window of the flat and then fell into an exhausted slumber. 2008 – is going to be great.

Tuesday

1st January traditionally the day for low lights, whispering and regret of bad behaviour. I of course am fresh, cleansed and completely unhungover – whoopee! Desperae to hear how everyone else got on last night so leave it til 1pm and decide to phone Dyanmite – which was a bad idea – she was still in bed having just got into it at 7am. She also sounded like a man so I said I would call back in a few days once she was awake and upright.

Tuesday

I have voiced a new 13 part series for STV on Thursday nights at 7.30pm called Conquer The Castle and it is a hoot. It’s about 6 urban dwellers (1 Scotsman) who are thrown in to the wilds of Perthsire and set a series of challenges there really are some classic moments – check it out! We had a hoot doing the voice over – keep your eyes peeled for Kimbereley – that’s all I’m saying.

Wednesday

First thing this morning as I lay in state I noticed Dave next to me begining to stir. As his eyes opened he turned towards me and mumbled ‘ I have just been attacked by a platypus – God it was sore’ Naturally I burst out laughing as he went into full horrific detail of his nightmare.

I think the rich food and gargling with booze is begining to show, last night Mum dreamt she was being attacked by giant mosiquitos. When she awoke she was scratching like a mad thing and was still not convinced they weren’t in her bed! And the third strange incident in the night was waking about 3am to find Louis standing at the bottom of our bed saying quite calmly in a very serious voice ‘ you know what you must do’ my first reaction was to rub my eyes to see if  I was dreaming but by now Dave, who had yet to be eaten by the platypus ,was also awake as Louis repeated ‘ you know what you must do ‘ before turning in a robotic fashion and walking back to his bed. Bemused I got up to find he had gone straight back to bed to sleep – too much Dr. Who and cheese if you ask me.

Thursday

Dyanmite emerged from her bed. It seems she had a major pub crwal on Hogmanay, 3 parties, The Baillie, The Basement, The Ping On she was keeping the purveyors of beers and spirits busy. Her resolution is to quit the evil weed so if you see her lurking outside with a fag this is your direct permission to wheech it from her and stamp it to the ground. Her man Dave has also joined the pledge for the fags and he will do as he is told this week. After last weeks debacle with washing powder in the dishwasher this week he was caught washing the kitchen floor with fairy liquid which had streaked and bubbled everywhere . By means of compensation he offered to go out and buy some Yorkshire puds to go with the bit of meat Dyanmite was burning. Off he went as Dynamite felt the forgiveness in her heart. 2 and half hoursa lter he had not returned having got a little distracted by his pal Alistair who dragged him screaming ( apparently) into Clarks Bar. Jurys out on that one.

Friday

A load of us get together for a curry at our pals Mike and Mag’s house. Their kids all got a Wii for Christmas though I am not sure they have been ble to get near it for their parents and their friends!. By 10pm all the grown men have disappeared. We find them in the room with the kids and the Wii – they are all playing golf and carrying on as it is was the actual PGA. We leave them to it. An hour later we go back to find Dynamites Dave now boxing on the Wii – he is beaten by Si Si the 8 year old daughter of our hosts. This in itself would be funny enough but add to the fact that in real life Dave is a 3rd Dahn, Black Belt in Judo and you can imagine for the mickey taking by the rest of us – as they say the gloves were off!

Saturday

Standing in Sugar Mountain – delicious sweet shop in North Berwick when I overhear this man complaining yet again he wasn’t asked to be in the nativity allegedly cos he is not wise enough to be a wise man. The girls behind the counter laugh and as he turns he smiles ‘ I read your column every week – you’re an awfy one!’ Well Ken Sinclair so are you! Wise men indeed. I left with a bag of soor plums, a stick of a rock and a big smile. A final word from Bill Findlay who corresponds regularly with me through the column his tips for staying trim in the new year – push yourself repeatedly back from the table but only after you have eaten your fill at least twice. Thanks Bill my mantra for the year ahead.

Salmon enchanted evening – I will be thin and look 15 again.

Monday

Salmon diet commences. For breakfast – salmon.

May have to give up as am not fighting this big boy for the salmon

Meeting with a publisher about a variety of ideas. It looks as though one of my life long ambitions is about to be realised – I am going to have a book published at Christmas. Even Santa can’t beat that! Very excited and rush off to tell my friend Dynamite who is limping and sweating as I pick her up from the gym. I remind her exercise is bad for you as we head off for a coffee an a stare at a donut – we resist the temptation to eat them surprisingly. Dynamite is going off on this fabulous free trip to Tobago which I had had to turn down as I am working. It is too depressing for words but she is swanning off for 4 days next week – hence the mad gym attendance. Anyway we are walking along Abercromby Place in Central Edinburgh when there are at least 3 peeps from 3 separate people. Not fooling ourselves for a moment it’s because we are young and gorgeous  I  explain The first van was the guy from the Nobel Grape who recognised us – yes an off license. The second was the guy who runs The World – a bar and the third the guy who owns the fishmongers where I bought my salmon! Salmon for tea.

Tuesday

Dropping Dynamite off at work when she runs straight into a throng of young girls. She’s been mobbed again I think and then I see a very red aced and harassed David Sneddon pushing his way through the crowds signing autographs as he goes. Dynamite is being turned round and round by the guddle of  fans and inadvertently he grabs a bit of paper from her hand and signs it! Much amusement as she pointed out later she’ old enough to be his mother and was mortified!

In the shops. Realise I have a gym membership which is now officially redundant. I can’t seem to get there at all so I peruse the exercise videos. I eventually plump – no pun intended-  for the

Kylie Minogue Hotpants video. I know I know but it’s worth a try. As I am stuffing it in my trolley and heading to the checkout I spot Fish doing his shopping too. Celeb spotting in supermarkets what an exciting life I lead! Get the Video home and decide not to do it till tomorrow as doing it on a full stomach can’t be good for you I’, sure.

More salmon.  God you can’t eat a lot of that stuff can you. It’s so rich and cloying I can’t face it again.

Wednesday

My Mum comes round and we weigh ourselves. This sounds like an easy non stressful event / It is not. It is horrible I can’t believe I weigh that much. She can’t believe I weigh that much. We have decided against the weight watchers thing as all you do is pay them £3 to weigh you so we’re going to do it ourselves. Mmn. After Mum leaves a heave my huge body from the scene of the weighing to the bedroom and  change into my tracksuit for the Video. I start it. Happily Kylie is not in the video I couldn’t face looking at her elfin form as I lumber about threatening to go through the floorboards. It takes a lot of concentration but by the end I am red faced and sweating so it must have done something. Have a shower, feel better, resist food and pin a picture of myself on the fridge. This may deter me from ever eating again. Force down more salmon makes me feel sick now..

Thursday

David on a golf outing at 9am. I’ll be back by 6 . Mmn. He trundles in with a wide smile and a red eye about 8 the finished golf at 1.

David tries to convince me his drink must have been spiked. I point out Luffness Golf Club a male dominated emporium of buff is not the sort of place anyone slips you a Mickey Finn. Nice try though. I  attempt to teach him the word ‘No’ but it just can’t be done I swear.

I HATE SALMON.

Friday

A golf lesson with Jane Connachan. She’s a great teacher and makes me laugh heartily as I duff a few more over the golf range.by the end of it though I seem to be hitting the ball and it is going somewhere Hallelujah. Very elated about that so head round to see Cousin with B&B as she is waiting for her guests to arrive. Due to be at Davy Grubbs 40th birthday party but I sit chatting with cousin and sipping wine Her first batch of guest arrive and are given a very formal greeting as she shows them to their room. The second batch arrive and they are also given the formal landlady by the sea approach . By the time the third lot arrive we are having a whale of a time and she shouts down the stairs ‘ come on up my little darlings I’ll point you in the direction of your room. Now would you like a wee drink!’.

I left as her husband was giving her the evil eye.

Saturday

Missed the 40th. Missed my tea last night and as a result I suspect I am missing a liver. Travelling up to see friends in Perthshire in the country . 10 minutes out of town Louis pipes up ‘ I need the loo’ so we stop at the side of the road. Another 30 minutes later we stop in Cowdenbeath -it’s my turn and it’s an emergency. I find the public loos which are spotless. 10 minutes after that we stop again. This time for David who walks about 500 yards into the depths of the forest ! quite who is going to get their binoculars out and focus on his nether regions is a mystery to Louis and I who peep the horn and flash the lights at him.

Arrive with pal John King who has Activity travel but due to an overwhelming passion for wine has now begun Wine Routes. Oh happy day.    Straight in to the wine cellar. Oh now I know what I want for my birthday. We sip a lovely wine and eat sausiccon which was a giftt from one of his suppliers. After a few glasses and lovely lunch we head off to a loch to do some fishing. As David , John and The Kids mess around in the boat. Nicky and I wander round and suddenly there is a huge bird above us ‘ it was an osprey!.I’d never seen one before they are magnificent beasts so as the boys wheeched trout of the loch and we lay on the grass watching the osprey.

Back to the house for more food and drink. What food, what wine what a carry on. It was then announced a friend of Johns was celebrating his 50th birthday in Blairgowrie so it was off to that. The guy, Linsay   who wrote You were Always On My Mind, You Drove All night,    etc.. Was singing at it. So there was a wild night of drinking and dancing.

Sunday

Quiet start. Fiona was having her leg pulled for not dancing last night by her boyfriend Iain. When he was reminded that it was because he had thrust a long orange balloon between his knees and was wiggling round the dance floor on his own singing ‘come one baby light my fire’ he  recalled why she chose not to be Olivia Newton John to his John Revolting!The Lowe brothes, two of last nights casualties, turned up with a hungry look in their eye.

Magnificent breakfast homemade pancakes , maple syrip , bacon. Then the trout from yesterday , porridge,, kidneys and eggs. Can’t walk. Can’t speak. Can’t believe my 2 day diet and 2 days Kylie video must now be irrelevant I have gorged and am happy and round.

Ella Fitzgerald half close yer eyes I still look nothing like her.

Monday

A new kids’ film  previews at the Fountainpark Cinema. I took Louis and his pal who are off school today. Sitting in the cinema at 10.30am on a Monday feels very decadent Unfortunately, none of the shops were open so had the unique experience of watching a film without stuffing my face with a hot dog and vat of popcorn. The kids enjoyed the film once they stopped talking loudly about how big the seats were and asking why there were only two other people in the place.

Tuesday

HEAD off to the Aircraft Museum in East Lothian . Arriving we see Clarissa Dickson Wright driving off. Remember she’s in charge of the aptly named Parachute Cafe at the museum, so we treat ourselves to lunch… just snacky stuff but absolutely delicious. Go outside and play with the pounds 1.99 plastic helicopter we’d just bought. Can I just apologise to the family who were enjoying a quiet snack until the helicopter ploughed its way into the window they were sitting at. Sorry and hope the stain comes out of your trousers.

Wednesday

Had a great time at Radio Forth Help A Child Appeal Burns Supper. Hosted by Grant Stott who was hilarious. Later in the evening ended up in the piano bar
A cocktail lounge featuring entertainment by a pianist  with my old muckers Dynamite and John. I like to think we were singing but unfortunately my pregnant pal Fiona said the collective noise we were making didn’t sound like it came from a human. Funny, I thought I sounded like Ella Fitzgerald Lost my bracelet but found four new German friends. They made the mistake of checking into the hotel as I swanned past on my way to the loo. “Come into the bar you boring things. You can’t go to bed – this is Scotland,” I squawked. So bravely they joined eight of us, all largely incoherent by this point. One of them was Germany’s equivalent of Bill Gates and he joined his poor sober countrymen – under severe pressure – to sing Hey Jude, which they did remarkably well considering. Not playing the wild drunken Scots cliche card there was I? Sorry.

Thursday

NO more drink – ever. Presenting  Fred MacAulay who today at 9am . The star guest was a guy called Jack Cardiff who is an 86 year-old cameraman off to LA to get a Lifetime Achievement Oscar next month. Jack has worked with Marilyn Monroe, Ava Gardner, Humphrey Bogart… all the biggest stars in the world. He said Ingrid Bergman was the most photogenic . woman he has ever seen and that she could stay up all night and still look fabulous in the morning. Unlike Ava, who could look rough as you like after a night on the tiles. A glance in a mirror confirms my suspicions that I’m more in the Gardner school of recovery and, sadly, starting with so much less in every department. Which is a shame as straight after the show I started  filming a corporate video. Luckily, I was to play a manageress in a bank so I decided my character was 53 and didn’t put on any make-up. I looked a bit like Ava – deceased.

Friday

DINNER out with all the mums from school. Still convinced I am ailing from the Burns Supper night so swig water and generally behave impeccably. Highly amusing night hearing all the stories of what their respective six-year-olds say about the world. Someone said: “I believe you’re related to Royalty.” It transpired his father had told my son if you trace any family tree back far enough we’re all related. So he takes that to mean we are cousins of The Queen, which he has obviously told the class. The best story, though, was about the wee girl who had found a condom in mum’s chest of drawers. She opened it and put it on her Barbie’s head thinking it was a swimming cap. Tee hee. Safe Sex

Barbie.

Saturday

INSTEAD of being at my pal Sarah Spence’s 40th birthday I’m face down in bed, suffering badly from a virus. So Saturday Night Fever takes on a whole new meaning. Have to say I preferred the original.

Sunday

COMPLETE nightmare cos I lost my wallet. Cancelled all the credit cards after turning the house upside down and the car inside out which means I’m bound to find it in the next 10 minutes. Phoned the police who inquired: “Have you looked right round your house?” “No officer, what an innovative idea but I thought if I phoned you could send round a SWAT team to look for it instead! No, I didn’t say that – I thought spending a night in a cell for being cheeky to a policeman was the last thing I needed.