Carbs can make you thin!

cheryl

 

A new diet is taking the states by storm. Called The Carb Lovers Diet. So it’s all change.

Ditch the protein. the days of avoiding bread, pizza and great carby loaded delightss are over. We must now embrace them as they are indeed the thing that will give us a body like Cheryl Cole. I have the body of Cheryl Cole -  it is called my skeleton and is well hidden under mounds of good carb generated slumpy body stuff. So…anyway the new findings….and we love a new finding if it works on our behalf. Let’s see what sort face stuffing we can look forward to then.

Breakfast a banana with a blob of peanut butter, Whoa be still my beating heart. Loaf of bread maybe?  5 baked potatoes and a half pound of butter? Nope. The lone banana.

Lunch Tuna salad, a pear and a cheese string -  A cheese string!

cheese strgin

Why would you ever put that over processed weirdness in your mouth plus they are  as filling as a hair band and considerably  less tasty. Of course after the tuna salad you’d be so hungry you’d need something. Anything. Well anything but a cheese bleedin’ string.

Dinner Shrimp Stir Fry with ginger. Nice but weak with hunger  now the dog is starting to look like an option for a light snack.

fat_dog

So is that it? I would be bleedin’ starving. That is no more carby than the least carby thing I would eat.  Ever. Where is the pizza, the half loaf of bread, the cake that I am compelled to  jam into my face when on a sugar low – after a high protein vodka frenzy the night before -  nope this smacks of bullshit to me. Short and sweet. Or in my case short and fat.

Stick to your gums – I  mean guns – and don’t be hoodwinked into this. it’s just the same old same ole. Eat fruit, veg and low fat stuff if you want to lose weight and up the exercise. That will be £100 thanks or 100 lbs.

X Factor goes from packing a punch to a backside licking bunch.

Maybe he's nice so he doesn't draw attention to this thumb. Argh!

OK I am onto Cowell and his dirty tricks now. I taped the X factor and sadly got myself all geared up, with hangover attachment, to slump on the sofa and watch it on Sunday.

For the first time in the history of the program I found I was losing interest. Oh My God.  Had I developed a fever? Was I sickening for something? Had I suddenly grown up? Well no to all 3 of the above.

It  just suddenly dawned on me Simon, Louis , Cheryl and Danni are just being gushingly nice about everyone now. Every artist or group is getting the thumbs up! The ‘yup that’s a hit record’, ‘I think we’ve found ourselves a new superstar!’ ‘That is what I call a great recording voice’.

Judging on the criteria of past years how on earth did the following get through?

Remind you of anyone?

Diva Fever !  aka  talent free Wham jump-a-likes.

Demis or Wagner

And Wagner??Argh. At least he has answered the question long on my lips – whatever happened to Demis Roussos?

The rumour is that him and the fabulous Mary are developing a mutual crush in which case keep him in – to keep her happy but not as a serious recording artist.

Storm Lee – originally from Edinburgh -I should love him for that alone but I don’t and it is nothing personal it’s just that if his big break hasn’t happened yet,   it just isn’t going to and to continue to lead him along this fruitless path is just cruel.

Simons power and celebrity has come from the fact, despite others pussy footing around,  he would always used to stand up to be counted and say ‘that was awful go home and get on with your life ‘.

But now he is as innocuous as the others all smiles, applause and empty praise.

The reason?

Well it’s the downloads innit? No-one is going to download a song from a person Cowell says is a bleedin’ disaster and the more he encourages the useless and sad the more downloads will come his way and at 99p a download it is just another cynical way to bolster his coffers..

Loadsa Money or Simon Cowell?

He is not standing up to be counted. He is too busy counting his money.

If there ever was an integrity to The X Factor or more specifically Simon Cowell it was that he called a spade a spade. Those days are gone and with it , I predict a large percentage of the X Factor audience.

We may be daft but we’re not that daft.

Said my piece off to google Stricly Come Dancing. Is it too late to switch? I hope not.

Cheryl & Ashley Cole

Aye so allegedly he has been at it again. 

Let’s hope she dumps the rotter once and for all but only after telling the world he is hung like a pencil.

Smiling at the thought of getting rid of the dreaded Ashley
Smiling at the thought of getting rid of the dreaded Ashley....

And what about the slappers who go out of their way to find him, bed him and sell their stories. Hardly part of the sisterhood are they?

One of the multitude is quoted today in the paper as saying she was ‘seduced during a vodka frenzy’    Seduced?  Soft music, dimmed lights, whispering sweet nothings..during a vodka frenzy? Very Cary Grant I’m sure.

X-Pletive Factor

 

MONDAY

 My pal’s husband was playing golf on Saturday at Archerfield in East Lothian. She’s not a golfer so had arranged to meet him for lunch at the golf club afterwards. On arrival she got herself a drink and sat staring into space waiting for him to arrive. As she did so she spotted a Ronan Keating look-alike. This happens a lot in her head – she is a die hard Boyzone fan. It was this point her husband drew up a chair and with her eyes boring into this poor unfortunate she said ‘God doesn’t he look like Ronan Keating’ whilst snorkling into her gin and tonic. ‘Oh That is Ronan Keating.’ he said calmly as she brought most of the gin out through her nose. It seems he was there raising money for Breast Cancer with Ian Botham and various other well kent faces. Her husband barely noticed – unlike Helen who is still there on the off chance he comes back.

 

TUESDAY

 Proof that pal Anne did Gorilla run in London at the weekend. They had to pick their own acvcessories so they could distinguish one from the other. I think the saltire is very fetching. She did it, survived and then went on an all day bender during which she left her handbag in someones house so she borrowed a tenner from a pal and spent the rest of the night rushing from party to party with nothing but a make-up bag cobbled together rfor emergency gorilla facial issues and a change purse. She ended up at someones 21st which thanks to the suit no-one guessed she was in fact 40 something until due to heat exhaustion she had to take th head off and throw another drink down her hairy throat. What fun. She flew home on Sunday waking up with her head on the shoulder of the man next to her and a dry throat, proof positive she had been snoring since take-off. Stylish.

 Wednesday

Chained to my desk today by mid-day going MAD, I always have the radio on and flick from channel to channel but today I was listening to pal Darren Adam interviewing American singer, Idina Menzel, star of “Wicked” on Broadway/West End who has a new album out.It was a great chat and all going swimmingly until he asked ‘what music do you listen to, to pleasure yourself?’ I spat my coffee out as he realised what he had said and burst out laughing. Clearly he had meant to ask ‘what music do you listen to for pleasure’. He giggled for the next few minutes as I did until the singer got a grip but I daresay she will dine out on that one for a while. I would.

 

Thursday

Doing some events for Spinal Injuries Scotland so have a lunchtime meeting today at Chez Pierres in Edinburgh. For £6 each we have salad, a snacky thing, maincourse, sweet and coffe and it is delicious. I am moving in. Pierre himself was in the kitchen and during the credit crunch he will do well and deserves to what amazing value.

I have flogged my gas guzzler and am now the proud owner of a deisel golf – yes my carbon footprint just shrank considerably. As we drive around it tells you on the dash how many MPG which I can’t help but read out loud it is so good. 68, 71, 99 – God are you going to do that constantly? asks Teenwolf it’s really lame. ‘OK you can walk then’ I say as I pull over. He shuts up and then as we take a run out of town I hear a voice in the background saying ‘ 121mpg Mum that’s incredible’. I catch his eye in the rear view mirror – we both laugh – he is as impressed as I am despite his teenage brain saying ‘must not agree with mother. Must take mickey out of mother’.

 

 

 Friday

My birthday today, 110 years old. Having a quiet one this year just Dave, me, Louis , Mum and old pal George who is staying with us. I said no presents this year as we are credit crunched and unfortunately Dave listened. Not amused. To make up he takes us to Bar Roma for tea. He is forgiven as we swig down a big glass of white and the girl from the next table comes up to say ‘hello I read your column every week’ and then turning she points at her man ‘ he picked me up from work at 3.30 and hadn’t even notice he was wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe!’ We had a good laugh about that then I wheeched my camera out and took a photo of the shoes and of them – Robert and Karen – -who will be moritifed to see this! It’s good to know I am not alone with shoe disasters and accosting people in bars!

Saturday

X Factor. Yes I am hooked. I love Cheryl Cole she is so normal and clearly getting up Danni’s nose which makes her all the more likeable in my book! Have a flumpy night,

I made a big curry which has been in the fridge for 2 days marinating. I like a marination. I put it in making a bit of a song and dance about the herbs and spices that will have permeated the meat making it a thing of beauty. As the credits for X factor roll, I get the curry out of the oven and we settle on the couch. Within 2 minutes all 3 of us are in the kitchen engulfing as much water as we can get into our faces – it seems my hand slipped when putting in the chilli sauce – so it is more the X-pletive factor until after a tub of yoghurt each we return to the couch with a family bag of crisps and the phone number for the local pizza delivery. Never see Nigella doing that.