Nicole Kidman gets it in the wrinkle free neck.

Photo courtesy of The Daily Mail
Photo courtesy of The Daily Mail

You know we can’t win. Us women.

I read in the papers yesterday Nicole Kidman had a “a puffy look and an eyebrow shape that goes up which proves she uses botox”.

So what would you do if you were in the glare of the public eye every day and night?

 

Shuffle about in your baffies, droopy trackie bottoms and no slap?

No me neither.

We pay through the nose to see these people up on the big screen and we want them to look untouchable, beautiful, flawless, unreal.

So when they park their better judgement and start to believe themselves that the be all and end all of life itself if how lined your face looks who should we blame? Them or us?

 

Imagine the poison that would spill out of commentators mouths if she did turn up  looking like the average 48 year old knackered, grumpy with crows feet and a burgeoning pot belly.

Would the headline be “Bravo Nicole – au naturelle is the way to go”

Or

“Kidman goes to seed, stress of marriage shows on droopy wrinkly face.?”

 

Exactly. Either way it’s a no win.

 

So whatever she wants to look like.

Puffy, thin or glamorous it’s her job.

And she gets paid well for it.

Live and let live.

Kylie Minogue stripped bare.

Halloween cake face

It’s official. All fakery, facial paralysis and jabby stabby face nonsense is being stopped and the natural, bare faced Ms Minogue is set to emerge more beautiful than ever I’ll be bound. And the replacement for the botulism drops? Ponds Cold Cream!  Yup I confess I shoved some in my basket at Boots today whilst getting the usual No.7 Protect & Survive serum or whatever it’s called.  Now Kylie is a gorgeous being  but over time she has metamorphised from girl-next-door to wanton sex Goddess and in the proces became someone  we can no longer  identify with. The blame it seems can be safely laid at the door of botox.   And about time. You must have talked overdone botox  with your girlfriends. Yes as that lioness mask of perfection smiled out from glossy pages and events my lot agreed she looked just a tad – well fake. The warmth was gone and in it’s place the clone of a thousand others which meant she looked air brushed and Jessica Rabbit even when shuffling about in her baffies. Huh.

She's lovely! Isn't she?

Now along with others including Amanda Holden, Courtney Cox and a bloke I know in East Lothian they have ditched the paralysis look for a more natural look. And good on them. Did you see Julie Walters at the BAFTA’s ? Do you think she would have got all those fabulous roles Mo, Mary Whitehouse etc. if her face didn’t move?  I mean how could she play anyone other than a Halloween Mask if her chops were frozen in a ridiculously supine formation?  As actors round the world slowly morph into each other,  perfect but dull,  it’s fabulous to see someone in the public eye aging gracefully and clearly being loved by all around her – in no small part  because when people smile at her she can actually smile back as opposed to the botox beasts who can just  bare their teeth and scare children.

Ponds for the gals! Original Ad.

Happily in Kylies case sense has prevailed and so it’s over to Ponds Cold Cream? It’s a very reasonable £3.78 for a jar. They have 4 other products in Boots none exceeding £5 per jar. Ye Old War Slap as you can see by this original ad. is the order of the day.  Joanna Lumley also swears by it and she looks amazing and above and beyond that so does my Auntie Margaret who is 81 and virtually line-free. Really! So as of today  I am now a Pond dweller – the cleanser and moisturiser are the new regime starting today. Goodbye dry, sagging face but if I don’t like Kylie by a week on  Saturday  then someones head is  going to roll (  mine probably down to the nearest plastic surgeon.) I shall report back.

Tips of the make-up trade.

A little green round the gills I'm sure you'll agree

I love a transformation, a before and after, and even at this late stage there is a glimmer of hope that  that with the application of some fabulous make-up, lotions and potions I can be transformed from bag head to wrinkle free supermodel. Well not quite but I live in hope that at least something can be done cos I’m not jabbing botox in my face.

So today I am off to talk to a professional make-up artist, who has done the faces of loads of stars.
She is going to talk us through the latest fads, must  haves and creams that she reckons really work.

So stand by your make-up bag – tomororw here live footage of all her stuff….laid out in a TV studio …showing us round…telling us some trade secrets,  YES ! The elixir of youth could be yours and mine oh and that girl over there too.

Transformation from green going well here Shrek. Gives me hope.

Yum! I can’t wait and neither can my facial droopy bits

Al x

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Early morning ahead, BAD

Me, prior to make-up this morning.

As you can see above early morning is not my thing and tomorrow, Wednesday,  I’ve  to be at work by 7.30am  to go on camera –   ha ha ha ha ha – I can hear you from here. And quite right too. Long gone are the days when I can wake up in the morning with the same shaped face as the one that I took to bed the night before. In fact I am considering not going to bed at all to save the  melted wax face making an appearance on national telly. 

Of  course I will, and then there I will  lie. awake for hours worrying about whether  I’ve got the right clothes in my bag, how long will it take me to get there, will anyone see my hands on camera? The fingers are stumpy with raggedy nails and frankly would put anyone off their dinner – normally not an issue but this is a  cooking program so I may have to wear gloves.  I will look  like a bad Michael Jackson tribute act -with two gloves instead of one. Hey ho. 

Me showing off my new mono glove to hide my nails

Actually I did enquire as to whether or not there was a plastic surgeon on the set and they laughed. They though I was joking.  Which is why I look a bit angry in this photograph.  Nice hat though.

Will update once I get a look in the make-up artists back as to her latest tricks to hold back the years. Alx

Safetox not Botox!

Monday

Doom and Gloom. The credit crunch – yikes. It is whapping everyone and so like everyone else I am spending a lot of time online trying to find the cheapest mobile, broadband, tv, food, power etc. It makes my head hurt. These companies have us over a barrel. It all sounds very easy until you look into the detail and the red tape and rigmoroal is nae real. Hen it gets to omuch I find myself baking. I know it is a displacement activity and one that is very bad for my backside but I started it earlier this year and can’t stop – as my muffin top will confirm -_ it is quite theraputic and I am churning them out with so regulalry that word is spreading so all the boys in our street keep turning up and casually hanging around the kitchen smiling. Today it is banana & toffee.

Tuesday

Louis has a pal staying tonight. They do their homework before going outside to play. After an hour or two I hear them coming back in and stomping off to play the Playstation. I leave them for a while and then I feel the call of the muffin so shout through the door ‘ do you want anything to eat?’ I hear a voice shout Yes as I dig out todays batch – carrot and pineapple. As I fiddle round with my back to the door I ask ‘ fancy a muffin ?’ at which point I turn only to see lined up in front of me 7 boys grinning and saying in unison ‘yes please’. The range in age from our neighbour Nick who is 10 and his pal Jamie, to Angus 14, Rory 15 and Alexander 12 from along the road and Louis plus Ben. Snow in summer they scoff the lot. The gannets.

Wednesday

A highly frustrating morning as my entire plumbing system is blocked – not me the flat. We have a sink disposal unit which blocks about 3 times a day. As I wait for the plumber I whip up some raisin, ginger, wholemeal muffins ( my secret ploy to keep Louis off the glow in the dark Haribo) The plumber comes round on the dot of mid-day and fiddles around with his equipement so to speak, and sorts it all out. I reward him for his labours with a couple of muffins. A mutual respect is born. Dave has a meeting in the house and so four more go which means when the platoon of boys come trapising in in the evening I have to break the news I only have 4 left. There is a moment of silence. Can we put in a request please? Taken aback I agree. So it is decided Apple and cinammon is on the cards tomorrow and so – unsurprisingly is Weight Watchers with my neighbour. I dont want to fall through the stage at The Great Scots….God forbid.

 Thursday

I am seriousy considering selling my car as it is costing a fortune to run and I can’t get the damn thing parked anywhere anyway so today I am bussing. I have spent some time exotlling the virtues of the public transport network in Edinburgh and I am going for it big time. £1.10 it takes you anywhere. This is all very well if you get on the right bus. Tight for time, a meeting at 1pm , I get on the wrong one, as soon as I realise I leap off, gt on the right on and as luck would have it – it stops right at The Royal Mile where we unexpectedly take part in the parade to welcome Chris Hoy , conquering Olympic Hero home. Everyone else has been caught up in it too so we start an hour late as if it was all planned. Thanks Chris.

Friday

Meeting with Shona Donaldson at Loch Fyne Oyster Bar during lunch playwright Simon Donald and Scottish Gallery Owner Guy Peploe come in to eat. They are chatting conspiratorially and so when they come up after luncht o say hello we find out why. A few weeks agosomeone asked them – half jokingly – if they would take part in this charity event in which they climb the highest mountains in Scotland, England and Wales one after the other in a 24 hour period and in a moment of madness said yes. Have you been training? I asked. They burst out laughing No. They were off to Tissots to buy kagools, dried food and a tent. They promised an update unless we read about them beforehand in the Papers courtesy of ‘2 daft Scotsmen huddle on moutain begging for lift home shocker’. Good luck to them they are going to need it.
Saturday

Dave’s mobile phone goes off in the middle of the night about 3 times a week – the alarm even goes off if the p hone is switched off! So I am now holding him responsible for the face drooping and the monumental eyebags but I refuse to get jabbed with needles. I don’t like the whole idea of Botox and so I live with my well earned lines whilst keeping an eye out for less invasive miracle anti aging tricks.This weeks discovery is Safetox apparently it works as well as Botox but no jabbing required. I google it only to discover it is a strange blue headband you strap to , yes you guessed it, your head which then twangs an electric current onto your face – they say it can show a reduction of up 83% of wrinkles in 6 weeks. What a disaster that would be I might not get served in bars for being too young!. Yeh right. Still my birthday is coming up…..Dave!