Top one lines from this years Festival – the pefect way to start the week.
1. Tim Vine
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what – never again.”
2. David Gibson (as Ray Green)
“I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3. Emo Philips
“I picked up a hitch-hiker. You gotta when you hit them.”
4. Jack Whitehall
“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands … I say ‘bought’ – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
5. Gary Delaney
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
6. John Bishop
“Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
7. Bo Burnham
“What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
8. Gary Delaney:
“Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
9. Robert White:
“For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates – empty.”
10. Gareth Richards
“Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or if you can’t be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub.”
...and the worst
Sara Pascoe
“Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side.”
Sean Hughes
“You know city-centre beat officers… Well, are they police who rap?”
Gyles Brandreth
“I’ve got nothing against lesbians. I mean, that’s the point, isn’t it?”
Doc Brown
“I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price.”
John-Luke Roberts
“I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge.”
Sarah Millican
“I bought a cross-trainer to keep fit. I suppose that it’s not enough to just buy it.”
Bec Hill
“Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn’t have the energy to climb up the stairs.”
Dan Antopolski
“How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan.”
Andi Osho
“Floella Benjamin is in the House of Lords. How did she get in, through the round window?”
Gareth Richards
“My mother is always taking photographs of me – she said if you disappear tomorrow I want you to look good on the news.”
Emo Phillips
“I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”
