Calorific Catastrophe all in the name of Jesus.

Easier said than done Mr Sign Maker Man!

There is a time of year in this God forsaken country when all I can think about is food.

All year.

365 days a year.

Before I open my eyes in the morning I think….mmmmn what can I have?

It’s why I  get up – to slug coffee down my throat and toy with the possibilities.

1. Cereal – Get Thee Behind Me Satan.

Us in the dark after a dubious loaf, I'm the one on the left.

2. Toast – dull.  Plus I have gone off it since I found out some of the  bread we buy in the supermarkets will last for about 3 years if just left there on the kitchen unit,  thanks to the surfeit of  E numbers and preservatives that lurk within. No, the only reason I would eat it now is  to test my theory that we will glow in the dark if suddenly plunged into darkness  again ( I refer to a recent power cut during which we nearly died cannoning round the house  crashing into each other, tripping over dogs and trying to find a candle and then a match to illumintate our coal black surroundings – obviously we survived)    So anyway, as Spring has sprung and the clocks have changed,   I ignored the bread, and moved on to the cooked options.

3. Poached eggs on toast. Oh yeh the damn bread again. Poached eggs without toast?  Not an option. Although even if I do say so myself I am a bit of a dab hand on the  poached egg front  having attended Nick Nairns cookery school with my 78 year old mother.

Even seeing this makes me want to stuff it into my face

She is a great cook but the elusive perfect poached egg had escaped her repertoire for all of those decades.  So we learnt together but all of that knowledge and wonder is frankly redundant if not perched on a lightly toasted, wholemeal, vaguley homemade bread with good quality butter. Slurp.  Same goes with scrambled, boiled and don’t like fried, so no eggs then.

4. Sausages & bacon only as part of the whole and the whole is the above and that’s not happening

5. Fresh fruit- yes Ok a few sunken satsumas, a wrinkly looking apple and a very brown banana.I had replenished the fruit bowl less than 24 hours ago but my son, Teenwolf is aka the Fruit Bat. He scoffs it in such alarming quantities I have considered getting a pipe and firing it directly into his stomach like a Perigord Goose. He says he’ll phone Childline. Fair enough.

Is it any wonder they look worried really.

So  weak with hunger and desperate I  lunged into the cupboard.

A yes the big carboard box of porridge oats.  Nice. Well nice if you cook it slowly  in full fat milk before liberally sprinkling with brown sugar, nuts, some chopped fruit and cream – the equivalent in calories of  another bleedin’ Easter Egg.

Excuse to put picture of beautiful egg eating Paul Newman up. Swoon.

Bugger it.

I’ll just have the Egg.

The big chocolate Egg.

The one that I had set aside to replace the one I ate yesterday, which made me feel sick. But God it was so worth it.  1 …2…3…….

X

  • 1. It's spelt 'serial'….nothing like a cup of coffee and an episode of 'Lost' first thing in the morning…
    2. You're Aberdonian…you already glow in the dark, so the bread's not so bad – in fact, if anything it will make you 'brighter'.
    3. Which came first? The egg or Nick Nairn? (Oooh errr missus!)
    4. Atkins….
    5. Fresh fruit at breakfast comes in cartons not bowls! Wolf, bat, bread that lasts for three years? What sort of crazy experiments are you up to there? Also…there is no Perigord Goose…I think you'll find it is a Tooloose Goose….or is that another of your experiments? Not a bad idea though, trying to confuse the French more than they already are!
    Forget the porridge…by the time you do all that to it you could bake a cake for god's sake!
    Chocolate eggs…..why not try a chocolate bunny? Break its neck, eat it's ears, head, feet, body, and finally it's scut….Nick will be proud of you!
    Happy Easter :-))