Jura Jura Jura – Oi Oi Oi

 

Monday

Gutted. We find out the house we booked on Jura for our holiday is double booked. The Agent called and told us the owner had taken a booking and hadn’t told them. We are destitute with 6 kids and 5 adults and nowhere to go. We have all got our ferry tickets, Gordon has bought his inflatable and Dave has hired a canoe. I even went so far as to by Tesco wetsuits off the internet Still on the bright side if I don’t have to wedge my body then at least being harpooned might become less likely. The Agent is unrepentant we are unamused. Tell Louis to watch a few back epsiodes of Bear Grylls to see if we can learn how to fashion huts out of the Scottish landscape. Spending hours on line looking for alternatives to no avail so far. Boo hoo.

Tuesday

Dropping Flora half Dog Half Womble for a haircut, she is like a stinky bog brush thanks to guddling under trees and a deep love of rolling in anything revolting. Christine, her personal stylist tells me another customer had come in earlier today with a teeny pup she had just found. She had been walking past the bin at Iceland in Gorgie Road when she heard a whimpering sound. After a quick invesitgation she found this wee scrap of a thing in a plastic bag in the bin. Scooping it up it is now firmly ensconced in her jacket and being a total softie she is going to keep it. How can people be so callous? I just don’t understand what sort of mentality. Take it to a dog home, hand it to a vets surgery, give it to me! but don’t throw animals out with the rubbish.

Wednesday

Flora is too good for us now sweet smelling and silken once again she has left her bog brush days behind. Thank goodness. As I drove to collect her silkenship yesterday I passed an Aldi. We have waited for a long time to get one in Eidnburgh I am in like a whippet and agog at the bargains. Their moisturiser got a great review and is £1.89 a tub, in the basket. I see a highlighter pen like Touch Eclat but rather than nigh on £30 it’s £3.99 and as far as I can make it just as good. 5 nectarines for 89p I am reallly over excited they are about 99p each in some shops. Rush home in a state of excitement slather face cream all over myself and gorge on fruit. Aldi – at this rate I will be a youngie!

Thursday

On the Fred Macaulay Radio program today talking about new statistics say Scots men think spending as little as possible on a first date is completely acceptable. Aye if you never want to see the woman again. If they start by fiddling around with discount vouchers on day one it’s not exactly a major turn on. I can barely recall the whole carry on having been wedded for so long. I talk to Dynamite about it and she tells me her most memeroable first date was ong long ago in chinesse restaurant on Lothian road. They stuffed their faces then when they’d finished her date jumped up and hissed ‘right come one let’s leg it’ and did a runner. Charming. Dyna being an honest and mortified wee soul hung back and paid for it. If only I could rememebr his name she said I would happy for you to name and shame him 20 years on I’m still getting over it.

Friday

Still scouring for a holiday house. Sit still for so long have thighs like Ben Nevis, that’s each one by the way not as the sum of two fat halves. Depressing and yet the great thing about a staycation is you do’t have to reveal the blobs in public. Whoopee. It’s just Dave I feel sorry for really. What happened to the sylph like individual he married? Well not exactly sylph like but certainly not a scrunched up paper bag of a woman. Got Frownies off the internet that’s these sticking plasters your put on your face when you go to bed to stop you frowning. Nice . Pink foam ear plugs for the snoring, plasters for the wrinkling, next thing it will be full body stocking to hold in the parts that no-one would like to reach and a stray dog to keep the feet warm. Did Gina Lollibrigida have to do this?

Saturday

Pal down for The Tweenies. They are playing tomorrow night in Edinburgh. We are off to see Simple Minds at The Castle. What a decision Simple Minds or The Tweenies – that’s one good thing about not having a small daughter I say as I wave her off to join the legion of tweenie fans and get myself ready for Simple Minds. It’s Jim Kerrs 50th birthday – I was at his 30th birthday in Madrid when they were on tour with Lou Reed whilst doing a documentary on the bands 10th anniversary. Blimey. 20 years ago! I would tell you all about it but I would have to kill you. So off to relive my youth, near youth with no doubt unimproved appalling behaviour to accompany the evening. I will report back if I can remember anything this time…..