Join slimming club and put on weight – what?

Monday

Louis is off on a school camp for three nights. He is not great at overnight stays so is far from happy. I go to wake him up and he is lying in his bed wide awake but obviously not happy. Try to jolly him along. ‘Come on it will be great fun,’ say, trying not to let him see the tears in my eyes. I think the only school trip we had from Aberdeen was a day trip to Edinburgh Castle and the zoo. After our year, the trip was stopped as we were so badly behaved but I must have been about 14, not just 10. Still, get him up and off he goes, reluctantly.

Dave takes me out for lunch to keep my mind off the upset. He unplugs my computer and drags me out the door, driving us an hour north to The Seafood Restaurant in St Andrews. The setting and the food are gorgeous. I order halibut which is white as the driven snow and as thick as my thigh – not inconsequential! Cheer up no end as we swig a little white wine, then a lot of white wine and then, because Louis is away for a few days, we revert to being 21 again. Have a great laugh but end up face down very early. awake at 2am having had loads of sleep so get up and watch TV – Trisha, Loose Women and the end of a John Grisham film with Denzil Washington which has me in tears after 10 minutes. What a state – just as well Louis doesn’t go away very often

Tuesday

A cursory look at my body in the bathroom mirror confirms that tomorrow’s slimming class is going to be hell. Still, I drink lots of water and then have an overwhelming urge for carbs so we hit the pub for a bar lunch. Off to The Barns Inn in Kingsbarns, Fife, a great wee pub. It claims: ‘Friendly staff and great food’ and you get what it says on the box. Have a really lovely chilli – just what the ailing gut required. Feel much improved and go for a long walk in the hope that by midday weigh-in tomorrow I will be Kate Moss superslim

Wednesday

Meet slimming friend Catherine, who lost 6 1 /2lbs last week. In we go. take off my necklace, watch, shoes and sweatshirt and get on the scales… I look expectantly at the lady as if smiling will make her lie to me – it doesn’t. She tells me gravely I’ve put on 2lbs. I am not surprised but completely hacked off nonetheless.

It was pointed out the amount have eaten and drunk would sustain Pavarotti and Oliver Reed combined. Go round the corner with Catherine for a salad and quiz her on how she has taken off another 3 1 /2lbs – that’s a total of 10lbs in a fortnightThe answer is not rocket science it is simply – stick to the diet.

My phone rings it is the lovely Dynamite who I have not seen in ages. She suggests as it is such a lovely day we should meet for an early drink on the terrace at Oloroso in Edinburgh at 5pm – a quick one then, agree. I shuffle home to work all afternoon writing while clenching my buttocks and then head off to meet Dynamite. That in itself is a mistake. The sunny terrace, the amount of gossip to catch up on, Louis still being away… it is no surprise we get home about 10pm, squawking: ‘Life is not a dress rehearsal, you know. This is it! Might as well enjoy it.’ Goes some way to assuaging the guilt

Thursday

Not enjoying this morning much. Yuk. Slip back into mum mode and cook Louis a big pot of mince and tatties for his triumphant return. Go to pick him up at 3.30pm, not sure what to expect. Well, if he isn’t swaggering round like John Wayne, grinning from ear to ear. As I refrain from running towards him and scooping him up, he casually says: ‘Hi, mum’. ‘Did you have a nice time?’ I ask. ‘Great,’ he says, like a 25-year-old professional golfer who has just come back from tour. Phew! He won’t be suing me then. Exhale

Friday

Meet up with Dave and Hugh Teacher who call the Arthur Negus of the new millennium.

Though based down south, Teach is a valuer for auction giants Dreweatt Neate and was up to value people’s family jewels – so to speak! Last year a table they found in Perth was auctioned off for pounds 240,000! Buoyed up by the whole idea, I fill my boot with bits of tat have bought at auctions which Teach kindly values for me – worth bugger all! Still, I shall keep looking

Saturday

Can’t believe have the lurgy that Dave has just shaken off. He was full of it last week and now I am not just thick but thick with the cold. Cancel going out tonight and lie wounded in my room feeling sorry for myself. ‘Burning the candle at both ends,’ says my mum. Huh!

Having just written this diary, though, she may very well have a point. Tomorrow is another day. Sunday, the day of rest – well it would be except I’m off surfing in Dunbar with Louis! YAHOO! I’m a teenager trapped in an aging body – not fair really