Further down the food chain than I thought.

Monday

The auction I am organising for the tsunami appeal is going well. In fact, so well I have just heard all the tickets are now sold out. No surprise really as the prizes are fabulous – dinner and a night at Prestonfield, the AA Hotel of the Year 2005, six-course dinner for two at Michelin-starred restaurant Martin Wishart, a signed Rangers football, a gold Seiko watch worth over pounds 1000 from MacIntyres of Edinburgh, a series of oxygen facials to make you look 21 again from Elements and hospitality passes and tickets to see REM and Oasis. And the Sunday Mail has generously donated the chance to appear in this column – photo and all – for a donation to the tsunami appeal.

The art department will also frame a mock-up front page with you on it – a unique prize.

So many prizes… so little time. All of the proceeds are going direct to DEC – the umbrella charity and we already deposited pounds 800 today.

Thrilled. You can still help by making a donation. at any bank to the DEC tsunami appeal.

Tuesday

You Are What You Eat is on tomorrow and we love it! Phone my pal Tracy – to remind her and to say if you are what you eat then I am a bacon sandwich.

She phones me straight back to say if you are what you eat, she is a packed supermarket shelf. Everyone is talking about this GI Diet so we agree to give it a whirl, providing there are not many oats or lentils involved or David will divorce me. No more information required.

Go to see The Aviator, the story of Howard Hughes with Leo DiCaprio. What a great film. Alan Alda from MASH is in it too and I thought he was fabulous. DiCaprio, of course, has won a Golden Globe so there’s money on him to win the Oscar.

Wednesday

Some Like It Hot Party on Saturday. Discussed what to wear with Dave. ‘Well, I think I’ll just wear khaki shorts and a pith helmet,’ he says as if we have khaki shorts and pith helmets lying about the house.

That aside, I ask him why would he wear that combination of fashion hell to a A Some Like It Hot Party, at which point he retorts: ‘I’ll go as Windsor Davies’ friend Lofty.’

I break the news gently that he is a little mixed up and is thinking of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and that Some Like It Hot is Jack Lemmon, Marilyn Monroe and Tony Curtis, not Whispering Grass being re-run for everyone going to the party. He remains silent.

Thursday

Hi GI, no I am not mistaking you for an American soldier but it is the diet that everyone is talking about so having read all about it, it seems to make sense. Eat good food and no rubbish – not rocket science. Still, this week have eaten more fruit and veg than ever in my life. It may be a coincidence but I do feel great!

Munching on carrots, apples, tangerines and bananas, I have realised I have the same diet as a chimp. Blimey, I hope I don’t develop chimp facial hair or for that matter a chimp’s puffy bottom. I have enough trouble with the size of my bottom without it starting to resemble that.

Friday

Spend the morning in the office surrounded by auction stuff. Escape into Meditarraneo for broccoli soup at lunchtime – supermodel diet.

Get back to find an email from Lorraine Kelly, who has donated a designer frock for the auction. Lovely girl. Size 12 so have borrowed a mannequin from Belinda Robertson in case no one can fit in it to show it off.

Saturday

Some Like It Hot Party. Mother-in-law phones to say she’s not well. Wee scone. Babysitter not available so over a barrel we draw straws to see which one of us is going to the party.

win – I am going off to meet Dynamite dressed like a daftie. Dave’s pith helmet and shorts are put away for another year – and his Some Like It Hot fancy dress suit.

Slope into the Circus cafe but there is no sign of my pal. ‘You looking for Dyanamite?’ asks the barman. ‘She’s hiding in there,’ he points into the back room. In go only to see this vision of loveliness. She has had her hair dyed a particularly bright blonde for the occasion, borrowed a gold wrapover lame frock and has glued on some fabulous false eyelashes.

She looks the business, though she doesn’t agree which is why she is cowering in a corner.

We arrive at the party after a swift bottle of wine and a stomach-lining risotto and everyone has made a real effort. Lots of girls in their jammies and a good few Monroe lookalikes too. Lethal pink cocktails abound, as does pink fizzy wine.

The problem started when the fizzy wine and the cocktails got mixed together at which point no one cared. suspect they will tomorrow.